pointless

Full time student, two jobs, friend, big sister and just me. I am dead fucking tired lately, I have one day off the entire week but only from work. I have school from 7:45 am to 3 pm. It's not as bad as it sounds I have gaps where I can hang out with friends, go off campus and eat or just go home take a nap then come back. My grades are surprisingly doing okay this semester even with all the shenanigans plus the amount of hours I work. I think I've finally learned to stop procrastinating in life because I appreciate the sleep I can get and the friend/family time I get.

Mood Is killed

So I just got home from Kauai, drove through traffic, got a call from my old job saying I could have my job back and I start Monday. I unpack and was ready for a nap, as I was about to take a nap my mom wants to tell me what my sister did. I already know she's gonna start talking shit about her and of course she does. She told me how my sister loves to lie to her and she honestly does and I hate whenever she does this shit to me. I dont give a fuck if my sister has a boy friend at this age. I've met him, I've given my sister the sex talk. There honestly isnt much that I can do. I'm not going to tell her not to have a boyfriend, cause shes shes going to go behind my back and do it. I've done it so I know. My mom was a teenager before so she should know all of this crap. So why does she act like this? why does she make rules that she knows arent going to work? Why couldnt she wait til after my nap? or after my amazing fcking mood of coming home? Just fucking great

vent

Moms a fucking idiot and I’m a fucking idiot too. I know that but she doesn’t. Today is the anniversary of my grandma’s birthday and also my best friends birthday. Tomorrow I have two midterms, work, and have to study for a business quiz. I was at school until 6:30 pm working on a project and studying for one of my midterms. My mom knew that and she still gets mad at me for skipping dinner. My family wouldn’t wait til after 6:30 so that I can eat dinner with them, and how did i know they didnt wait? My sister called me from her friends house saying that everyones mad at you for not coming home for dinner. I know I probably should have left earlier but fuck that. I need to do great on these midterms or I’ll never raise my gpa, if I didn’t go I would be missing 80 points for my project because my group members wouldn’t put my name if I didnt help today. I didn’t want to spend my grandma’s birthday waiting to have an awkward dinner with the family. I didn’t want to be sad around the house. I didnt want my family mad at me but whatevers. Its their choice to be mad and I dont give a fuck. 

Nankurunaisa. whatever happens, happens and everything will be alright.

it happened and it will be alright

Another night

It's another night where I remember the people who I dont have in my life anymore. Monday was my grandmas birthday and I'm going to get her name tattooed on my so that I remember who raised me and how she raised me. I keep forgetting that lately. I miss her cooking dinner for us, I miss helping her cook, and I hate cooking by myself. My sisters dont understand that when I ask them to help me cook its not because I'm lazy but because it's how my grandma and I used to cook. I don't have the heart to tell them that though. I dont really know how much my sisters miss my grandma, I know they do but I dont think its like me. I miss her.
Then there's Jake. He's done with his air force training and tech school and may or may not get deployed. I can say I dont love him like I did before but I do miss him and he is my best friend.
I hate to admit it but all of my best friends who are girls arent around me anymore. theyre always a phone call away which is okay but I miss them being with me when I go to diamond head to watch the sunrise, I miss miki staying at my house to hang out with me and watch cable, I miss Meiqi and all of the stupid shenanigans we had, I miss Lexi, and I'm going to miss Sasha when she goes to Texas for boot camp. I still have my best guy friends around but I dont get to talk about boys, or clothes, or stupid girl drama with them. I know they try especially when some of them ask me if I want to go shopping lol. They know I'm missing my other friends and thats why I love them.
I'm happy in life with all these ups and downs I've been having recently because everything does balance out for me.

nankurunaisa is around the right side of my ankle and the left side will have the words "Elizabeth Mikiyo Shinagawa October 17, 1932- January 27. 2010"  Reminding me everyday when I get out of bed that my grandmas the one who helped shaped the person who I am today and one day I will make her proud of me.

Then there is this one person who I still think about, and I hate that I cant talk to her anymore. The song Obsessed with the Stars by the Icarus Account is playing right now and it really makes me think. Do you ever think about me? Youre not here and you make my mind go crazy. Thinking of that person brings a smile to my face, and a frown sometimes. I know shes happy in life right now and I'm happy for her. If I cant make her happy then I hope someone else can. blah Idk what i'm writing or thinking anymore.

nightnight everyone and remember have faith in yourself and whatever happens, happens.

listens

Todays been a weird day... My friend is moving to New York tomorrow, my other friend got accepted to study abroad in London, another is leaving in March ish for basic training, and I officially say I lost one of my best friends. Talking to my friend Kris made me realize she's not really my best friend anymore. I don't get to talk to her anymore because she let's her boyfriend be a control freak, shes not there when I need her and she would abuse our friendship. It sucks. My friend Marcus literally makes a living by playing video games so hes moving to the mainland for better wifi connection, hes moving in with one of his co worker hes never met and i dont know anymore. None of my friends are normal at the moment and Ive been listening and giving advice but they never listen. I need another break from life right fucking now

Hollywood Undead

Coming Back Down"
(feat. Kevin Rudolf)

[DANNY]
I just can't escape
it's like you're here with me now
but the words you say
they always seem to fade out
since you been away
I'm just a face in the crowd
someday, someday
I know you're coming back

[JDOG]
down in the dirt
with your blood on my hands
I blacked out
but now I do understand
that you were too good
for this world so you left it
everything turned red
and then you made an exit
I don't even know
if it was your time
but like all good things
that pass you by
its like a lost soul
in the time of need
it made me grow up fast
and put some blood on my knees
and you don't even know
what's beyond you
thinking you could never die
like you're bullet proof
so I guess you had to leave
you were born with wings
but you were never happy
til the angels sing

[DANNY]
I just can't escape
it's like you're here with me now
but the words you say
they always seem to fade out
since you been away
I'm just a face in the crowd
someday, someday
I know you're coming back down
someday, someday
I know you're coming back down

[JOHNNY 3 TEARS]
I'm ashes to ashes
I'm dust to dust
And when a man
turns to ashes
forget about love
like the feeling inside you
with the bottle beside you
you both end up empty
like an angel just died too
I look to the heavens
to the sky and the rest
I looked inside myself
I felt my heart in my chest
Something so point blue
there's nothing to say
some hearts to stay true
when falling away
Come lay down beside me
what you and I mean
it's only what I've seen
it's only just one dream
tell my baby I love her
and I wish I could hold her
it's hard to say goodbye
when you know that it's over

[DANNY]
I just can't escape
it's like you're here with me now
but the words you say
they always seem to fade out
since you been away
I'm just a face in the crowd
someday, someday
I know you're coming back down
someday, someday
I know you're coming back down
one day, one day
I know you're coming back down

[JOHNNY 3 TEARS]
I know you're coming back
know you're coming back
I know you're coming back down

I know you're coming back
know you're coming back
I know you're coming back down (down)

I know you're coming back
know you're coming back
I know you're coming back down

I know you're coming back
know you're coming back
I know you're coming back down

[DANNY]
I know you're coming back down

[DANNY]
I just can't escape
it's like you're here with me now
but the words you say
they always seem to fade out
since you been away
I'm just a face in the crowd
someday, someday
I know you're coming back down
someday, someday
I know you're coming back down
one day, one day
I know you're coming back down 

Moms and Dads

I have never been so pissed/sad/depressed and disappointed all in the past 24 hours. My parents don't really have a relationship at all anymore. They're just my mother and my father. They don't talk to each other, they don't like to be in the same room and they just don't do anything together at all and I hate it. I hate going to my friends house seeing that there parents actually talk to each other, I get so jealous I just want to leave. My family gets along with each other only if my parents aren't in the same room together. I could have the best of times with my dad and the best of times with my mom, but never them together. Them together is torture for everyone around us.
I've always suspected that my mom has cheated on my dad before, and maybe my dad has done the same thing to my mom. My suspicions were proven right last night, I just didn't expect it to be my sisters best friends dad... who is also married. Honestly I'm probably just assuming and making an ass out of myself but honestly it makes sense. I know for a fact that she has a code name for him on her cell phone, I know for a fact that she lied to me about who she was going to dinner with, and I know for a fact that there is chemistry between the two of them.
I hate that my dad doesn't give a fuck. My dad would love to live a single mans life. I think if my dad had the  money he would just move to Las Vegas and live there for the rest of his life. I know my dad tried to keep what ever they had going, but my mom was just never that into it I guess.
They're just together because they can't afford to be a part and that what's sucks the most. I have to see them every day avoiding each other, knowing that they don't want to be together anymore.
This just sucks.

fell alseep on question 156 out of 225...I hate my computer class. So glad I get three chances, but still I was almost done and I fell asleep.
Never go to school at 7 am, end at three, then go to work, skate around for an hour with friends and expect to stay awake during a 225 question exam

Drama

Drama, drama and more drama is all I have at school right now... Two of my friends almost started fighting yesterday and I think its gonna get out of hand sooner or later. Whats even worse is that all this drama happens between the breaks between my classes. The time I want to relax, study and shove my face with food is the time they decide to start making a scene in the school cafeteria during the busiest time of the day. I was beyond pissed. I basically had to carry my friend out of the cafeteria while my other friends held down the other girl.

honestly people this isnt high school anymore, we're in fcking college and its time to grow the fck up. I will knock the both of them out if they start fighting. I will knock them out and leave them on the floor.

ppplluusss my mom is giving my sister shit because she doesnt give a fck about making more friends at school or caring more about what she does. Lets take bowling for example; my sister bowls fine she has a good average and she listens to what he coach tells her. Then my mom makes a scene during her practice about how she doesnt talk to her teammates enough. her teammates are fcking right there and can here what shes saying. my moms being stupid. Then shes complaining about how she doesnt know what time shes going to be done working on a optional extra credit thing for school. one my mom is making her do the extra credit shit and two im the one picking her up and dropping her off tomorrow so she seriously just needs to shut the fck up right now.

Since the whole fight thing yesterday I feel like Im on the edge and if my mom makes one more argument of something stupid I will just take my sister out of the house for tonight and watch a movie or something. The night is young, I deposited my paycheck, I have gas in my car and tonight I dont think any of the shinagawa girls at home give a fck what my mom says or what the consequences will be. We just need a break and my mom just needs to take a chill pill. now.

So

I think I got fired tonight. If not Im gonna quit soon. Im tired of dealing with this bullshit at work. I get blamed for every goddman thing. I'm not the fcking manager or the assistant manager, Im just a lowed pay worker who will work just so I can pay for my bills. Im a part time worker, an on call worker, a full time student and I like to be part of my family whenever I can.

Today was honestly a relaxing day, I handled all the customers while my coworker did all of the prep work and refilling of everything else. My coworker got food poisoning yesterday and just got over his cold and he still comes to work because he honestly needs the hours and no one else could work. So he manned it through the day trying to help me whenever I needed help. We just finished cleaning the back of the store and the front, all we had left to do was the counter. I can clean the counter by myself, so I decided to give him a break and told him to go sit in the back. I was about to clean and then a customer came in, so I helped him and then another customer came in as I was ringing up the customer. My boss comes running in thinking the customer has been in the store for a long time, and once the guy leaves my boss starts fucking bitching at me and sees my coworker resting in the back and gets even more mad because he was just sitting there doing nothing. We had customers all fucking night. if we werent doing customers we were doing prep work or something else. He's sick and I let him take one fucking break and my boss gets mad at me for letting him rest. I mean honestly what the fuck?

My boss bitched at me saying I should have called him if mike (coworker) was sick and he would get someone to cover the shift. I called everyone asking if they could cover the shift, no one could and they all had legitimate reasons as to why they couldn't work. So after I called everyone I decided to call my boss and ask him if he could work in place of mike. Do you know what he said to me? "No too bad, make mike work" My boss knew that mike was sick. He fucking knew that he could have came in to take mikes place, but does he? no. When my boss came in he smelt like beer so I knew he was buzzed or drunk. Which makes everything worse.

The arguing went on for like an hour. My manager came in to close the store and he heard me and my boss boss arguing and he backed me up. He knows I'm a good worker and I do everything I can, I listen to him more than my boss boss because he just makes sense. As soon as I got my boss to shut up because he knew I was right he told me to get out of the store. I did and on the way out my manager gave me a high five and bought me a drink before he brought me home. So here I am typing with horrible grammar venting and debating if i should just not show up to work tomorrow. I need the money and I dont want to leave the rest of my coworkers dealing with my boss. I know i can handle him now and I'm probably gonna keep working until he fires me or I can make my on call job a part time job.

we'll see

Amazing

I find it amazing that I tried to do things early for school so that I wouldnt stress the crap out, but then my plans get scewed over. Lets see, the school wouldnt take my debit card so I couldnt buy my textbook so that I can do my homework thats due tomorrow. Work is being a pain in the ass and my boss is being a dumbass and wont hire people when he god damn knows well that we need workers. You know what else is just really fcked up right now? life. As soon as Wednesday is over some of my stress should be gone.

Forget

Forget yesterdays post. I'm in a better mood tonight even though school does start tomorrow.
Gotta love having awesome friends.

nightnight

Words

I cant believe you started to sound like her of all people, I like you for who you are. I get that shes there and im here but really? ilzhjcalijfh For two years Ive known you and I love your sense of humor and the way you say good bye to me. I dont know you anymore. This hurts. it hurts right now

Not my day

yeah.... today was just a why the hell did I get out of bed day. Should have just stayed sleeping with my killer headache, but I wanted to talk to him so i stayed awake. He found out i had a headache and told me to go to sleep again. I did and i ended up waking up at 240 when i start work at three. Got ready and realized my dad had the car so i rode my board to work, but going down a small hill my wheel decided to come loose. Im missing a bolt and a fcking wheel AFTER i just replaced the bearings for it. I called my coworker and told her i would be a few minutes late and asked if she could cover for me. I got my coffee from my friend for free today and as soon as I get into work some douche knocks the coffee out of my hand and i would have started dropping f bombs if my coworker didnt cover my mouth. Then i realized I forgot my uniform at home and   had to borrow someones.
^^^That all happened in 25 minutes after I woke up from a nap....
after my coworker alex went to barnes and nobles to get me another coffee and played some relaxing music while i demolished all of the prep work we had to do for the day hahaha yeah no customers and a butt ton of prep work isnt so bad when you have the right music and the right person to spend the next 6 hours with.

My night got better again when I came home to my sisters singing and dancing to high school musical three and I just couldnt help but sing and dance with them. Then i got to talk to him again tonight and it just made it even better. Now im cuddled on my couch eating pizza wishing i had soda and another movie to watch haha

nightnight everyone or good morning

I saw her

I saw her again :] just a customer who became a regular, who started flirting with me and i didnt really notice until my coworker pointed it out. I didnt see her the whole summer until today and I didnt realize it at first which made me sad, but we got to talking and you know what? I still dont know her goddamn name, and Im pretty sure she knows mine. Yeah I had this goofy grin on my face at work the whole day and yeah adjkldjfs ssoo happy :]

Shoulder

My sister and her boyfriend broke up tonight while I was at work and you know what my mom did? Absolutely nothing. I think she actually made things worse. I hate my mom for doing this to my sister, I hate that she couldnt be my sisters shoulder to cry on, I hate that my sister just didnt call me at work, I hate not being there to be her shoulder to cry on. My grandma was the perfect shoulder to lean on and I miss her like crazy right now. When people need me I can only be someone they can talk to and just hold them when they need me. I give the worst advice, well maybe its not the worst just super generic is all. I hate it when I know my friends need me but I cant be there.

Everyday and Night

I have this grin on my face again. My friend is helping me learn some new skate moves which arent going so well,  so I'm taking a break now. While im watching him and my other guy friends skate Im talking to my other friend online and honestly both of these guys are making me pretty happy right now. Which is heavenly considering the argument i had with a diff friend the other night. Right now life is finding a way for things to work out more for me and im loving it. 

well back to skating. 

nightnight

A day late

So let me get this straight
You say now you loved me all along
What made you hesitate
To tell me with words what you really feel
I can see it in your eyes you mean all of what you say
I remember so long ago, see I felt that same way
Now we both have separate lives and lovers (and lovers)
Insignificantly enough we both have significant others

Only time will tell
Time will turn and tell

We are who we were when
Could've been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when
Who knew what we know now
Could've been more but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when

But thoughts they change and times they rearrange I don't know who you are anymore
Loves come and go and this I know I'm not who you recall anymore
But I must confess you're so much more then I remember
Can't help but entertain these thoughts
Thoughts of us together

We are who we were when
Could've been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when
Who knew what we know now
Could've been more but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when

My day late friend

So let me get this straight
All these years and you were nowhere to be found
And now you want me for your own
But you're a day late and my love, she's still renowned

We are who we were when
Could've been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when
Who knew what we know now
Could've been more but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who
We are who we were when
x2






This song has been on repeat for most of my day and I cant help but think in my head of what could have been with a couple of people in my life, but whatever happens happens. 

Today

This summer is turning out to be a pretty awesome summer :] Going out everyday to spend time with friends, going on random adventures in walmart, playing airsoft again, driving around, avoiding getting tickets, coming home at 3 am then leaving for work at six haha this summer is just pretty epic and I have two weeks left of it. Today though was a family day. Had to go to the dentist, my sisters saw me at work, went to a fundraiser, danced like idiots at the fundraiser, buy smoothies, get lost on the other side of the island and take my sister megan to her bowling practice for school and ending up eating chinese before we came. The three Shinagawa girls having a girls day out. I need more days like this and I hope my friends can understand this :/ 

Some of my friends feel hurt whenever I chose my sisters over my family, or anyone in my family over them. I love my friends and some of them dont have what I have at home. Lets take my one guy friend for example; his older sister is the typical golden child and he is always hiding in her shadow. He is the smartest guy I know and his sister still outshines him no matter what. His parents dont give a shit about him and give him a hard time. So all he has is us, and we love him but he needs to understand that Im a big sister and I cant keep him company all the time. Guess what? he never does, he gets super p.m.s.y whenever some of us have to cancel plans on him and it sucks :/

but yeah today was honestly a day well spent :} tomorrow is going to suck though because i have a lot of shit i have to do at work since i took today off :/ oh wells. hope everyone is having a great night and or morning. 

nightnight

You

you: are you ignoring me?

me: yes. I'm ignoring you because once I admitted my true feelings to you, you gave up on me, and our friendship.

you: well I thought it would be awkward if I kept talking to you like everything was normal.

me: no, it wouldnt have been awkward. I was in love with our friendship and not so much you. I would have been completely fine with just us talking like that conversation never happened. Im the one who got hurt not you.

you:... sorry. I'll change

me: dont change, you wont change and even if you did it wouldnt be the friend I thought you were.

fck it already I give up. Im just gonna go live under a rock and never worry about relationships and love

Friday

So for the next two weeks i work every single day of the week and my shifts range from 4-8 hours of fun :] I am going to love my next paycheck, but its going straight towards textbooks for school :/

BBUUTT next Friday we are combining three of my guy friends birthdays and gonna play airsoft in the morning from 7-2, then going to the beach until sunset, then watching a movie and then having a party at someones house. I cannot wait til next friday. I really hope I can get that one friday off... if not i might just not show up for work and deal with the consequences the next day... haha

My friend just finished her chemo therapy sessions yesterday and we're throwing a party for her tonight. I am so happy for her and hope she stays healthy.

hope everyones having a great day and or night

nightnight from hawaii

I miss

I got to see my best friend tonight with out her boyfriend and honestly I feel a lot better. We talked about random things, serious things, and things i never talk about unless its with her. I had no idea how much i missed her until i dropped her off at her house a little while ago. I miss my best friend. the text messages. skype and phone calls are awesome but just hanging out with them in person makes everything a lot better.

I got flowers for my grandma today. I started to cry a little waiting in line to buy them but im fine. I miss her like crazy but I know she would want me to be happy and live my life smiling.

Today was a good day all in all. my shoulders not in as much pain as before. my ankle isnt swollen anymore and all of my cuts are semi scabby right now... its kind of and yeah hahaha come tuesday I should be able to have a midnight skate session with the guys. The moon is always so bright in the summer and I just love it :]

nightnight

pain. pain and more pain

so i sprained my ankle, got a bunch of scratches here and there and my shoulder popped out and is now in a sling for a couple of days. I am in pain right now.... but it was all worth the skate session last night. Had to take off work for a couple of days and I have to buy a new helmet cause mine fell off a cliff.. hahaha wow my moms gonna kill me when she gets home and sees me....

Hate

I hate my best friends boyfriend... I dont care how much she loves him. He wasnt there at the hospital when he needed her, he wasnt there when her parents kicked her out for the day, he wasnt there when she started to cry. Hes the one making her cry and hes the one I hate the most at the moment.

everyone in our group of friends hates this guy, but none of us will be able to do anything because our friend is too hard headed to listen to any of us. We said we would tolerate him as long as the relationship doesnt become abusive...and it has. I'm just the only one who know at the moment...I think.

Thinking

*random thought moments*

For the past week Ive been awake 20 out of the 24 hours of the day since Alaska never really got dark, and I always had something to do. I got home half an hour ago ready to go out and do something, but honestly I just wanted some me time and came here to my usual park. I miss being here just venting on my laptop. I hated that I couldnt see any stars in Alaska, it was beautiful there but it would have been a lot better if I could have seen the stars.
Anyways whats stuck in my mind right now is that I'm not really doing anything great with my life at the moment. Two of my best friends are in the air force right now, another is living his dream by playing video games for a living, and my other friends are content with what they have now. I want to make a difference and make myself proud. I know what I want to do in life, but school comes first. blah idk what im writing anymore
I will make my grandma proud, its the only thing i want in life.

hahaha another thing I realized today is that I dont have a crush on anyone and im happy about it, but I do miss being in a relationship.
yeah today is just one of those days where anything and everything comes to mind.

nightnight

Home

It feels so good to be home from Alaska. I had such an amazing time! 24 hours of sunlight, spending at least 22 of those hours doing something with  friends, family, random people on the streets and just enjoying some me time. I wish I could have used my own phone to talk to everyone back home, but T-Mobile for some reason doesnt work in Alaska.

It is 84 degrees here in Hawaii and back it Alaska it was like 50 degrees...Im dying at home right now :/

What kind of sucked for me on the trip the whole time though was not telling my family I was bi. My cousins know and my sister but my aunties and uncles dont know anything about it. They would make rude jokes and look at people with hate in their eyes whenever they saw two gay guys holding their hands down the street. It hurt a lot not telling them and it made me feel like a coward. I'm not sure if i'll ever tell them. On the brighter side though my cousin knew it was bugging me half the time and decided to take me to a bar and just play pool or dance with a couple of guys or girls and just have fun. Like a vacation is suppose to be.

This trip was just amazing for me and I could spend hours upon hours writing about it, but I wont.

hope everyones having a great fourth of July :]

Friends

Almost got two tickets today... one for having too much people in my car because my friends car broke down and I decided to be nice and pick them up. The other one was when my friend ran out of my car while waiting for a red light, started pulling off his clothes and screaming at the top of his longs "I am ugly and I am proud" the police saw him come out of my car and questioned my sobriety.  I got off with a warning, my friend on the other hand not so much. He wouldnt stop running from the police and yelled "fck the popo".

Yeah, it was a long but funfun night

on the brighter side I saw Green Lantern and it was awesome if you dont think about the comics at all, and I'm going to read before I fall asleep.

nightnight

fail

so im suppose to be skating right now...but somehow forgot my board at work... I dont even know how I forgot it. So im just gonna type whatever comes to mind right now since I dont want to kill the fun for my friends. Playing music and watching my friends have fun is something I love doing. Music can set the mood for any moment and right now everyones loving dubstep. I'm also talking to this guy I like and might just have the courage to ask for his number. we shall see.

The thing is though I still have feelings for someone else. We used to talk like crazy. I would skype with her, call her on the phone, text, even email her when I was stuck in class, but now its like none of those past couple of months have ever happened. I told her I liked her and that I'm okay with just being friends, and she was genuinely happy with that...or so she told me. She would text me sometimes and we would keep it going all day, but I think its my pride that wont let me text her unless she texts me first. I want to talk to her, I love talking to her but sometimes I get the feeling shes just using me to kill her boredom. I know other people like her and have a better chance. Im just a filler for when shes bored. that hurts the most.
I miss telling her good morning and she would tell me good night. I miss that one last text message or phone call that put a smile on my face right as Im about to fall asleep. She would always send me a good morning text eventually too and it was just perfect.

I think Im just goint to stay forever alone and watch people be happy from afar. it doesnt hurt as much and life is simple that way.

hahahaha my friend just ate shit right now trying to jump off a railing, I should go help him but I dont want to move and someone else is already helping him lol. im horrible.

Feel Good Drag by Anberlin is a song that I will always love

Midnight part 2

I talked to a few of my friends today and they made me feel a hell of a lot better than I did in my last post. Tonight is officially a full moon and I must say Im loving it. I'm on the country side of the island right now and its nothing but the moon and clear skies. I wish I could see the stars more though, but this will work. I'm really happy to know that I wont lose my friends if I vent to them, I just hope they can do the same to me.

My friend has cancer right now and I try not to go to her to vent anymore, and she realized that and confronted me 20 minutes ago about it. She's watching me type away and just feel better about myself. Her treatments are going well, shes almost done and should be rid of the cancer soon. I hope she gets better soon, I dont want to lose another loved one because of cancer.

I have another friend whos joining the airforce in september and I'm going to miss her like crazy.
Just going to my school, it seems like all the friends I make are in the army, airforce or marines. Im so proud of what theyre doing with their lives, but it just makes me feel so mundane to only be working at small restaurants.

My family... I dont know what to think about them right now. Just going to take it one day at a time and whatever happens, happens.

Midnight

Midnight skating sessions with my friends is something I always look forward to when its a full moon, but this month I dont really feel like skating. I am currently sitting on a bench watching my friends skate, seeing their faces makes everything better. My friends are my rocks and the people I depend on the most, and I hope they feel the same way about me. Tonight though or today I dont know if I want to open up to them, everything just feels perfect. Its summer, Im going to Alaska next week, no school, friends, family, and work is even fun, but the thing is I think too much when Im around them. All I can think about is will they help me and not look at me differently? I lost one of my best friends because I told her I was bisexual, I lost a friend because I told her that her boyfriend was cheating on her, I lost a friend because she decided to listen to the rumors and not the truth that came out of my mouth. I've lost friends when I shouldnt have, Ive lost friends who I still wish I had. None of them know about my blog, sometimes I wish they did so they know whats going through their minds. Im the mother in our group of friends, a mom is suppose to be strong and not have to break down infront of everyone. But if they ask "what's up?" and we're alone. I deff might break down and just let everything come out. I know I can depend on them and I love them for it.
I dont know, i'll probably pick up my apex soon and start skating, it always helps when I have my moods like this. Maybe I'll be more calm and be able to talk to everyone. we'll see

nightnight or morning

Pissed off

I am so fcking pissed at my grandpa right now. I know my parents might get a divorce, I know my parents don't talk to each other, they don't sleep in the same room, they don't do ANYTHING together. but you know what? they love us and no matter how fcked my mom can be sometimes and my dad I love them too. they fcking love each other they just don't show it. my dad wears his wedding ring all the time, he invites her out of the house and tries. my mom may not do the same, but i think shes just mad at him because he switched jobs. but it doesn't mean she wants to divorce them over it. I get that love fades. I understand that people do get divorces. I understand that maybe down the road my parents will get a divorce. I get that. but my grandpa thinks I don't understand that, he thinks I'm oblivious to everything that is happening around me. fck I cant tell him that my parents love each other I cant yell at him for telling his thoughts about my parents in front of my sisters. They are part of this but what the fck are they gonna do? they shouldn't be involved in it yet. my grandpa just doesn't know shit right now. I can probably talk to him but i have no patience to talk to him. My grandpas deaf and for me to try and argue with him about all of this would just piss me off even more. ffffcckkk
I'm mad right now because my grandpa reminded me of all of this. My parents love my sisters and I enough to stay together and they will deal with each other. For us. I wish my parents would find love, but that would mean a divorce and honestly i don't want our family to break up.
I want my family together. I already lost my grandma and my great grandma in one year. I don't want to lose my family. this is so not cool what so ever.
I'm selfish. I'm pissed. I'm hurting.

Ironic

Im reading Bound by Darkness by Alexis Morgan and listening to my Ipod and let me just say my Ipod is just in sync with the book. I just couldn'p but laugh at how ironic it was.
With me and my friends we have a thing. As soon as we're all in the car and ready to go, we grab the drivers ipod put it on shuffle and, whatever song comes on first it will tell us how our adventure will be like. Usually its pretty accurate and makes the adventure even better knowing that someones ipod could predict the future. That is honestly one of the weirdest superstitions that my friends and I have but its okay. Theyre my family and I love them like I love my real family...sometimes hahaha.

its 1234 am right now and lifes pretty good. Working almost everyday so that I can have more shopping money in for Alaska and book money for the fall semester. Getting a lot better on my longboard. One of my cameras is still out of commission but I should be able to pick it up soon :]

anyways I'm going to keep on reading and listening to music until I fall asleep and repeat the same schedule tomorrow. nightnight hope who ever is reading this nonsense is having a great day and enjoying the little things in life.

The songs that were playing by the way were:
Just a dream by Nelly. Just a dream (cover) by Sam Tsui and Christina Grimmie. Just a kiss by Karmin also another cover... hmm looks like my ipod wasnt on shuffle haha

nightnight

Need/want

There's a big difference between needing something and wanting something.
Example: I always want coffee before work but never really need it.

I want his number, dont really need it I just want it lol

good night

Falling

I.am.falling.for.him. it sucks a lot. I'm trying really hard not to like him, but everyday I talk to him I find something more that I like. bbllaahh. So again in my life I start to fall for someone who doesn't live in the same state and whos in the military and hes haole. *sighs*

guess what?

IT'S SUMMER TIME!!! 


that is all i have to say xD

Tonight

"Im in a relationship and its complicated". fcking hate saying those words it shouldnt be complicated, if you love someone you love them, but you know what? it is complicated. Its like every person i like isnt on this island (Lol i bitch and moan about this a lot) I dont want another long distance relationship, I dont want to fall for someone who doesnt live here, I dont want to fall for someone and not have the relationship go anywhere. So we do nothing. feelings fade and we move on to someone new. what sucks is knowing that person moved onto someone new, whose in the same state as them and who can actually hold them in their arms and kiss them goodbye. It sucks that theyve moved on, but honestly Im really happy for them. Im just happy they have someone and can maybe fall in love with.
Im going to miss the text messages at random hours, saying good night to them when its morning, having someone make me smile for no apparent reason. Im going to miss the fact or the feeling of maybe I could fall in love with this person and truly be happy.

music

I found my grandmas Ipod... and I swear im crying at ever song thats playing. there are just soo many memories with these songs. I shared her ipod with her when we went to florida, played her CDs in the car, and listened to them when she was at the hospital. I dont think I can put her ipod with mine, I would cry at any random moment like I am now. yeah... im being semi stupid right now. I realy should go home and do my homework or at least go cry in my own bed instead of being here. I miss her so much right now. Im getting more done to my tattoo soon. Im for sure putting her full name and her birthday.




なんくるないさ

bday

the past two days have been fun and amazing :] but whats sad is that I can officially say I'm short a best friend.

nerf gun battles, yakiniku, chill day at work, new ipod, new phone, paycheck from work, and I got a letter from Jake. yeah the past two days have been perfect and Im ready to go back to school...as soon as I do my homework...

the moon

i can see the moon perfectly right now, and its beautiful. It makes my night everytime I see the moon. When it was a full moon this month it was just perfect, skating with friends and just talking under the biggest full moon in 20 years was just something else for me. Its spring break right now and Im having a lot of fun =] one of my best friends is home for a week, my other friend is getting healthier everyday, I get to take my sisters out to breakfast before school starts for them, I get to skate more :D and I can sleep in lol. yeah, this spring break has been awesome so far and have no regrets about it. just have to at least start on my homework though...then all is well =]

at the park

This is going to sound pretty creepy but I love watching kids play in the park. Theyre so care free and they have their parents watching over them so they dont have to worry. I remember coming to this park with my grandma and my sisters. She would watch over us as we played on the swings or ran around like there was no tomorrow. I miss that the most, having someone watch over you so you have nothing to worry about. Marco Polo wasnt just a game for my family, it was a calling to make sure we were all okay. My grandma would yell marco, and we would have to yell polo from youngest to oldest. I miss how simple things were when my grandma was alive, I miss her. Nankurunaisa. Whatever happens, happens. Im going to be a grandma one day and make sure my grandkids feel the same way I did, thats my long term goal at least. Short term goal is to take my sisters to this park and play in the swings, I'll remember what its like to do nothing but have fun, I'll remember that my grandma gave me this feeling of pure joy.

whatever happens, happens=nankurunaisa.

Spring Break

Spring Break is here!!! one week of having fun with friends :]

Last night was awesome, well actually all of yesterday was just pure awesome. My sister came home from her florida trip and bought me mickey mouse hands. which are pretty hard to put on. Got food, food and more food. Apparently my friends couldnt find me in barnes and nobles sssoo they decided to yell at the top of their lungs "Shannon!!! meeet us outside" I was going to murder them. but it made my night even better :]
Watched Battle LA last night and it was awesome :] then to finish the night off. we went and got all you can eat yakiniku at 2 am xD got home around 430 am and now Im getting ready for work at 1030. running on 5 hours of sleep :] its the way of spring break xD

hope everyone is having a good day and getting enough sleep

TSUNAMI

tsunami warning tonight!! an 8.9 earthquake hit japan.

Best Friend part two

"we'll see" I honestly only expected to hear those words from my parents only, never my best friend. Four of my friends are coming home for spring break and most of us are all excited and planning things that we should all do. stuff like going to get yakiniku, go to the beach, watch a concert, movies etc etc. But I guess my friend just isnt excited that people are coming home for a week and that we will just see them during the summer. None of us have seen her in months and the times we do see her she brings her boyfriend along and leaves early. I give up. I'll talk to her any chance I have but no more inviting her anywhere and trying to be a good friend.

In other news. Midterms are this week and next week. THEN ITS SPRING BREAK!!! :D you have no idea how happy I am. F my best friend right now, I get to see my best guy friend, my banana, my mini me, aannddd my wife lol

Best Friends

Pretty sure Im short a best friend. I seemed to get blown off everytime I just want to "hang out" but if her boyfriend wants to "hang out" its completly fine. I miss talking to her everyday or doing random and stupid shit with her. She forgot the anniversary of my grandma passing, when a new friend remembered. Idk I love my best friend to death but lately shes not giving a shit. So im just gonna stop asking her to come hang out with us, gonna stop being the first one to start the conversation, gonna stop giving a damn about her ditching.

anyways. Last night after work was just perfect. We found an all you can eat 24-7 korean BBQ for just $20, the food was amazing too and I went with the right people who I just had fun with. Then we decided to go play around in Walmart. Picture 6 grown men plus me playing around with nerf swords whacking each other and runnning around like the crazy kids we are. I was surprised we didnt get in trouble,

People say you lose friends when you go to different colleges, I did lose a friend but I gained a lot more.
Oh wells

Getting stronger

I guess with all the bullshit happening around me Im getting stronger. Im not breaking down and running away from my problemds like I did before. Im still bitching and moaning every chance I can get but Im still going to be there for the people I love. Today I went to spend some time with my friend while she had to get radiation. I spent some time with her but then I realized I took a four hour nap on her with out realizing it. She had doodled on my arm a little, put a blanket on me and let me sleep. Does anyone else have a moment like that? where you plan to take care of someone but they end up taking care of you? When she woke me up I decided to go get some ice cream for both of us, I spent 28$ in the cafe buying anything i could get my hands on. As soon as she comes back to the room I offer her some ice cream only to realize that shes lactose intolerant... yeah I fail as a best friend lol. But it got her to laugh and we went to go get some real food after she was done.

I also realized today that one of my best friends has the same kind of cancer my grandma had. It sucked, I cant believe I forgot that small detail. I just felt like I forgot my grandma today a little. But im not gonna be sad and depressed and ignore my best friend because she reminds me of my grandma. Do i want to? hell yeah I do, but I love her too much to do the samething. I will get stronger so that I wont let anyone down like I did with my grandma. Im going to be there every second I can to take care of her and just make her smile.

I like to tell myself that I will make my grandma proud of me. Today I think I did that, I was there for a friend and got her to smile with my stupid mistake. I miss my grandma and will always remember the happy times I had with her. I hope Im making her proud :]

hahahaha yeah fck today

this is my first day in a long while where I dont have work OR school all on the sameday... my mom wakes me up at 7 am to do chores, that didnt bug me. what bugged me is that my two best friends who are girls ditched me for their boyfriends who are both named john... I officially hate the name. Had to plans to go to the beach and then go to a new restraunt to catch up and all...but i get ditched... Oh wells. gonna hang out with my two best guy friends and hopefully we dont get pulled over again tonight... lol so no girls night out but a guys night out plus me xD

should i?

Once agian I'm in a barnes and nobles typing out another post. I can say Ive read one book this year so far. Kind of sad, I know but I loved the book. Read the fever series by Karen Marie Monning I hope you'll love it like I did.

Anyways, my mom kicked me out of the house again. In the year 2011 Ive been kicked out of the house for doing nothing...Literally. Ive either been busy at school, work, doing homework and trying to have a life, my mom has gotten really mad that Im not at home doing the chores she doesnt want to do. I get that shes mad that she has to go back to doing chores around the house, but really...did she have to kick me out of the house again? at least this time I had my bag with all of my shit in it. I have my wallet, I have my laptop, and I have my apex. So im not complaining that I got kicked out of the house, I have friends who are willing to house me yet again for the next couple of days and I love them for it. No school tomorrow for me :] So im gonna finish as much homework as I can right now and just have an awesome weekend.

I miss my sisters, the only time I see them is in the morning when I drop them off at school. I miss trying to teach my sister to ride my apex, I miss having stupid arguments with my sisters, I miss teasing Kalen for loving Justin Beiber. I miss being a big sister. Work and school are kicking my ass.

January 27th

Is the day my grandma passed away. thats two days from today. I have family coming over to celebrate her one year anniversary of being gone...but why would anyone want to celebrate the passing of someone... I just want to go to school, get my tattoo and just dissapear for the day. I dont want to see my family and talk about how much we miss my grandma. I told them that, and they got really mad at me. I understand that we should be together on the 27th, but I dont want to be around them. I love my family and I know they love me, so why cant they understand that I just want to be alone for a couple of hours? They dont know im getting my tattoo on thursday, not sure how long I can even hide it from them anyways but who cares. The tattoos gonna remind me that life goes on after my grandma, and that I have to live my life to make her proud of me.

What sucks even more is that I have to write a paper about a person I cared a lot about and how they changed my life, the essays due on thursday too. Life is just telling me to remember my grandma, and remembering this much about her just sucks and makes me want to cry even more. Im trying to do the stupid essay right now at barnes and nobles, but needed a break. So im on here typing out whats going through my head right now. Just a small distraction of the things to come up in the next couple of days.

Wifi

wifi is very important and I dont have it at home. So im sitting in barnes and nobles trying to do as much homework as I can before my battery dies. which is in about... 3 hours :D gotta love extended battery life =]

blah =P

up and dressed for school. I start at 8 am today....last semester I started at 1. ooh boy. this sucks lol. helping my sisters get ready, and eating breakfast. I actually miss doing this with them =]

hope you have a great day =] cause i hope I do too

Pics

Perfect day in Hawaii

Happy New Year

Last night and this morning was perfect. The last year of fireworks in Hawaii and EVERYONE went crazy. you could not go one minute withour hearing fireworks, or seeing something light up in the sky. Ended up buring two of my fingers though, part of my jeans and my shoes. But honestly everyone next year is gonna get their hands on some illegal fireworks so I cant wait to see how much people I know will get tickets for them. Every January first I would go up to this one point to see the sunrise. Its just my spot to go to whenever Im sad and just want to get away. The only other person who Ive ever taken up their with me is my best guy friend and I didnt get to hang out with him this year, but that boy knows me pretty well and called me to keep me company. The sunrise was beauiful as always and I had a great first conversation of the year.

Hope you have a great first day =]