Friday, December 31, 2010

So I think

So I honestly think I have been going out and having too much fun with either my friends, family or me just riding on my skateboard. My knee is officially killing me. I have a knee brace and everything but it still hurts. Its been almost two weeks since I hurt my knee. I couldn't take it easy for the first couple of days it hurt because I had work and volunteer, but since Ive cut back some hours its not really helping me. Running around playing Tag at 3 am at school or playing kickball at 2 am isnt helping at all. Yeah its winter break and I dont want to take it easy, I want to have fun lol. But my knee needs to get better asap. So I think after new years celebrations done I am going to rest my knee, try not to do anything and just relax on my couch or in bed at home. I already have a bad right shoulder, I do not want a bad knee too.

So, my plans are to:

  1. sleep
  2. Read any book I can get my hands on
  3. have a movie night at home so I dont have to go out
  4. buy a video game and just start tweaking out again
  5. relax =]
Dont be like me, If your in pain rest. rest immediately or it will get worse

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Songs 3

The kids by B.o.B,
Drug boy said it's show time
Streets don't give a damn
They filled with such pollution
The kids don't stand a chance
We're trapped inside the matrix
Forced to play our hand
We're fill with so much hatred
The kids don't stand a chance
I said the kids don't, the kids don't stand, the kids don't stand a chance
I said the kids don't, the kids don't stand, the kids don't stand a chance
Well, since I was planted at birth
I abandoned my own planet and I landed on earth
As I kid I never understood what I observed
Some of it was strange but most of it disturbed me
Always in detention for the lack of my attention
You could call it deficit, really I just didn't listen
And I was always missin'
The teachers like, where is bobby simons?
But tryna get a record deal is all I can I remember
It's funny cause lookin back on the past that I had all my days in the streets tryna prove that I was bad
I still elevated to the level that i'm at
Still elevated to the level that i'm at
Drug boy said it's show time
Streets don't give a damn
They filled with such pollution
The kids don't stand a chance
We're trapped inside the matrix
Forced to play our hand
We're fill with so much hatred
The kids don't stand a chance
I said the kids don't, the kids don't stand, the kids don't stand a chance
I said the kids don't, the kids don't stand, the kids don't stand a chance
Sometimes it's hard to grow
While livin in fear of the unknown
How can he ever give love
When no love is in his heart?
A child can barely see that i
Do worry bout tomorrow
And what it beholds,
He drowns himself
Deep down in his sorrow
Will you run or will you share your light
Tell a story of the live and try
See it when we're given hope
That we know that we can grow
Drug boy said it's show time
Streets don't give a damn
They filled with such pollution
The kids don't stand a chance
We're trapped inside the matrix
Forced to play our hand
We're fill with so much hatred
The kids don't stand a chance
I said the kids don't, the kids don't stand, the kids don't stand a chance
I said the kids don't, the kids don't stand, the kids don't stand a chance

Take Me by Anberlin
The ground is shaking underneath
Now that you're here
A body skipping beats
When you appear
The world is on fire
Since you've come near
All I've ever desired
Is here with me
You're here with me
You're here with me
You're here with me
Take me as you found me
Take me as you found me
Or leave me to die
Leave me wanting
Leave me wanting
The rest of your life
Who's going to drink my blood
Now that you're gone
Who's going to right all my wrongs
Now that you're gone
Who's going to tear my flesh with a stirring sing
Now that you're gone
Now that you're gone
Take me as you found me
Take me as you found me
Or leave me tonight
Leave me wanting
Leave me wanting
The rest of your life
Take me as you found me
Take me as you found me
Or leave me to die
Leave me wanting
Leave me wanting
The rest of your life
Take me as you found me
Take me as you found me
Or leave me to die
Leave me wanting
Leave me wanting
The rest of your life
The rest of your life
You leave me stranded
Now that you're gone
Don't leave me stranded
Out here all alone
Take me as you found me
Take me as you found me
Or leave me tonight
Leave me wanting
Leave me wanting
The rest of your life
Take me as you found me
Take me as you found me
Or leave me to die
Leave me wanting
Leave me wanting
The rest of your life

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

you know

you know i never thought it would be this hard to read a book. the book isnt bad or anything it just connects too much to whats happening in my life right now. I want to be more determined in life, I want to know what the hell im going to do with my life. I just want to know. Maybe you know what youre going to be doing in life, but me I know nothing.People always say to live in the moment and to just enjoy life, my grandma told me those words so hell yea Im gonna listen to her. I enjoy life, I know their are people who love me, who can make me smile, who can make me cry tears of joy. Those people are the reason why I dont want to leave home. "Home is where the heart is" a small line from the book Im reading and I believe it. No matter how much we hate where we grew up or who we grew up with, it made us who we are. Its who we are that people fall in love with. Finding something thats right, our souldmate. I believe in love, I truly do. The greeks taught us about the different types of love we can have for a person(i paid attention in class :] I believe that those who truly deserve love will find love in the most pure form. The love of that one person who makes everything click, the pereson you cant live without, that person just makes everything right. I have friends who can do those things for me. But I havent found that one person who can do it all. I havent done anything in my life, so love shouldnt come knocking on my door anytime soon. I can wait for my one person who does it alll. I wont be blind to love, if it comes knocking on my door im gonna welcome love and keep it close. So you never know when loves gonna come.

Im currently sitting outsife of my house right now at 1046 pm. its a beautiful night, me looking at the stars wonder "what time will tell"  The word butterflies came into my head, I used to get butterflies talking to someone I had a crush on. I would smile this goofy grin whenever I had the chance to talk to that person. It was just fun to talk. For a second I wished it would go somewhere, you know be something more thean just friends. But it was a stupid wish to make, I knew it wouldnt go anywhere, but that stupid thought left my head as soon as we talked more. I was a sucker for a hello, that hello that would bring the butterflies to my stomach and that goofy grin to my face. You know what happens next right? I lost contact with that person, we just stopped talking. there were probably a million things i could have done, things i should have done. But if i even tried to do anything I knew i would get hurt in the end. You know what Im thinking though? Im a dumbass. I saved myself from the heartache but I lost a friend. I lost a Platontic liove I had with someone. Losing a friend that makes you smile like that, just sucks. I get how a friend feels now, I know that sounds pretty dicks but yeah. I get the pain, and hate it. I wish I could rewind time and give them better advice. cause the bullshit that came out of my mouth to make them feel better isnt doing shit for me right now.

You know that one friend you have that gives you the most perfect advice that makes you feel better? it will never be me, Im just a friend who will hug you when you need it, will just sit there in the silence when you need it, just a shoulder to lean on. But to give advice that will give someone hope, that for sure is never gonna be me.

all this rambling from reading a couple of my book, this book is just one of those books that hit too close to him. It makes you think about what you dont want to think about and you for some reason love it for that very reason. It makes you remember the good and the bad, remember your living in the present and makes you wonder about your future. I never know whats gonna happen in my future no one really knows. we just have to fall into the darkness and wait for the hands of faith to drop us off where we're suppose to be. Just fall and life will pick you right back up, giving you reasons to live.

At the end of every post なんくるないさ comes into my head. maybe its because deep down I know everything will be alright and that whatever happens, just happens.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Life 10

I guess it was worth the 50 cents...but only for the first couple seconds of the ride.
at an xmas party. having fun

we never have a chance to wear this kind of clothes in hawaii so we had fun dressing up in the middle of the store =]

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Chirstmas

Merry Christmas everyone :D

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Songs 2

Im in an iffy mood right now, no ones home and I plugged my ipod to my speakers and am now blasting my music to the point where im sure my neighbors will come knocking on my door to complain about the noise.

Im playing right now Yeah 3x by Chris Brown

[Verse 1]
Move your body, out on the floor
Put your troubles aside
And start living
Anybody can let go
Throw away all your problems
Coz right now it's party time
Girl don't feel outta place
Coz I, I'm in love with this feeling now
And I, I, hope that this will last a while
We should make it last a while
You like to drink, so do we
Get more bottles, bring 'em to me
Hold your glasses up, people everywhere
Now everybody put your hands in the air say
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
Girl I wanna
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I wanna see you tonight
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Girl I gotta, I gotta, I gotta
I gotta see you tonight
Oh oh, oh woh oh oh
Oh oh, let me see your hands
Oh oh, oh woh oh oh
Oh oh, tonight is the night
Lost in the moment
Can't believe you're so beautiful
Feels like I'm in a dream
Baby we're going
Somewhere you've never been before
So take my hand and come with me
Girl don't feel outta place
Coz I, I'm in love with this feeling now
And I, I, hope that this will last a while
We should make it last a while
You like to drink, so do we
Get more bottles, bring 'em to me
Hold your glasses up, people everywhere
Now everybody put your hands in the air say
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
Girl I wanna
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I wanna see you tonight
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Girl I gotta, I gotta, I gotta
I gotta see you tonight
Oh oh, oh woh oh oh
Oh oh, let me see your hands
Oh oh, oh woh oh oh
Oh oh, tonight is the night
All the pretty young things in the party
Let me see your hands up
And if they mad and they don't wanna party
Tell 'em
So DJ turn it loud
And watch me turn it up
Don't worry bout it we here to party
So jump, jump, jump, jump
Girl I wanna
I wanna see you tonight
Yeah, Yeah
Girl I gotta, I gotta, I gotta
I gotta see you tonight
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
Tonight is the night

honestly that song made my mood slightly better. but then the next song kinda killed it again

Like we used to by Rocket to the Moon (a beautiful song, but not a good song to listen to when im this kinda iffy mood)

I can feel her breath as she's sleeping next to me
Sharing pillows and cold feet
She can feel my heart, fell asleep to its beat
Under blankets and warm sheets
If only I could be in that bed again
If only it were me instead of him
Does he watch your favorite movies?
Does he hold you when you cry?
Does he let you tell him all your favorite parts?
When you've seen it a million times
Does he sing to all your music
While you dance to "Purple Rain"?
Does he do all these things
Like I used to?
14 months and 7 days ago
Oh, I know you know how we felt about that night
Just your skin against the window
But we took it slow and we both know
It shoulda been me inside that car
It should have been me instead of him in the dark
Does he watch your favorite movies?
Does he hold you when you cry?
Does he let you tell him all your favorite parts
When you've seen it a million times?
Does he sing to all your music
While you dance to 'Purple Rain'?
Does he do all these things
Like I used to?
I know, love
(Well, I'm a sucker for that feeling)
Happens all the time, love
(I always end up feeling cheated)
You're on my mind, love
(Oh sorta let her when I need it)
That happens all the time, love, yeah
Will he love you like I loved you?
Will he tell you everyday?
Will he make you feel like you're invincible
With every word he'll say?
Can you promise me if this was right?
Don't throw it all away
Can you do all these things?
Will you do all these things
Like we used to?
Oh, like we used to

so after 11 songs after these two, my neighbor called me and asked me to turn down the music. I did and Im just probably gonna blow out my earphones sooner or later. glad I have the cheap ones and not just my bose ones.

good night

fck the distance

yeah it sucks right now. a friend could use me and im stuck here. jakes mom has cancer, he needs a buddy and im stuck here. just being stuck on an island sucks. nuff.said.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Life 9

winter break is looking great so far =]. lots of ups and little downs.

Finals pretty much sucked last week, had to wait 40 minutes in line to check in to take my final, then wait an hour and a half to take the final and then it took me an hour and 14 minutes to finish my final. It sucked but I passed it with a B so I passed the class with a B. it was math so for me thats awesome =] worked pretty much 5 days in a row, would have been okay if we didnt have so much customers.

I am done christmas shopping and officially broke xD

I explained sunday. still pure awesome

So its monday and I had nothing planned. couldnt really do much anyways because of a killer headahce. I bought food for my sisters and I. althoguh i forgot to buy food for kalen so I had to go to a mcdonalds and pick her up some food. I get to hang out with my best friend on wednesday hopefully xD i just have to think of something that we want to do.

So a friend of mine told me that "she burnt her toungue on cereal. its fruity peppbles. always does that. unless its soft cuz of the milk its too whatevers and it scrapes the top of my mouth and makes it feel like when i burn it when eating something really hot.""those text messages made my day =]  literally had a facepalm moment. told my sister what she said and she started lauging and called her crazy. but we're all crazy on the insisde so its okay. now if she would just admit that herself we'll be all set. I know shes gonna read this eventually too sssoo admit that your crazy already =]

tonights a lunar eclipse hope you all saw it

what I learned

Today I learned a lot. I learned that people will come to subway when its pouring rain. It was raining pretty damn hard today, I wouldnt want to drive in todays weather but a lot of people did today. it was crazy. But I had fun =] I had to wrap a couple of gifts today and since I didnt have any paper, I had to use the subway wrappers. it turned out pretty great lol. I also learned that everyone at the barnes and nobles cafe close to me knows what drink I like to get, they just have to ask if i want it hot or cold. I love it.

I need to cheer my friend up somehow, dont know what Im gonna do. but shes always there for me and I hope Im always there for her.

I fell for the wrong girl tonight. nuff said

Tonight. tonight was just fcking awesome!!! lol I learned the definition of LMAO tonight xD hahahahahahaha I need another repeat of tonight, I literally cried laughing. it was just one of those nights that make you enjoy life and not want to screw it up.

toy story. doesnt matter. all of them, just pure awesome

what I want to learn though. is how to make people believe in love.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Today is the day

today is the last day of my first semester of college and Im spending it taking a math final. Oh joy xP I hope I pass this one, if not...oh wells. I hope I have a lot of good luck, cause I think im gonna need it in about an hour or two

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


So im at school right now thinking about my bio final that starts in about an hour, and I AM FREAKING OUT!!! I hope I do okay on this final... if not... I dont even want to think about it. all i want to think about is having a mini party with my friends tonight to celebrate that finals are over!!! thursday is the official day the semester is done, but I have work thursday so we're hanging out today to celebrate and do semi stupid things. Hope we dont get into too much trouble, cause I have another final tomrrow =P.

What sucks though is that in the back of my head, I keep on thinking about my friends on the mainland and how Im stuck on an island and theyre so far away from me. They need more than my voice to help them, just yeah. I miss certain people or person right now and it sucks. You know what else sucks? that when a person talks about love and how they cant find that one person, all Im thinking in my head is; why not fcking open your eyes and let me be that person. yeah nuff said gotta get back to studying

again nankurunaisa I guess

Finals are killing me

*sigh* Two finals tomorrow. Bio and history. History should be easy, but biology...omg I hate that class xD actually I hate the subject not the class. too  much information that wont stay in my head. Working today killed me, I dont have any more motivation right now to study and Im debating if i should just go sleep.

Saturday, December 11, 2010


I think today was just THE perfect day of ups and downs. For every happy moment I had a sad moment, for every sad moment, there was a happy moment. its days like this that makes me believe in karma. The best way for me to wake up is the cold and the rain combined, in Hawaii its like snow to us. Cold weather and rain is just an awesome combination. Its just too bad I couldnt cuddle in bed and sleep the day away but I had to get to school and do some serious studying in math or I would fail my final. The fun part of that  though, is that after 2 hours of studying the power goes out in school. My classmates and I decicde to go carboard slidding on the wet grass and just have fun. It took about an hour for the power to go back on, and I passed my quiz that will help me for my final so Im pretty happy about that.

It seemed like everywhere I went the power would go on and off. It was quite funny. power went out at school, when I had to go home to get my uniform at work, barnes and nobles, and then at work. Im glad it was only for a couple of minutes.

There are always people complaining about there work enviornment or their coworkers, Im one of them. but today was not even close to that. today was just a super chill day, easy prep work, fun conversations, boss made us food, and a hell of a lot of laughs. Its just too hard to explain all the moments. The only down part of work is that someone stole money from our tip jar... the weird thing though is that he didnt take all the money in the jar. just like four dollars, honestly if I were him I would have stolen our whole jar...But oh well, still made $6 tip in one night, for a subway thats good.

My friends bought me my apex 37 I love them to death! it is such an awesome board, and I swear if a stupid tourist tries to run me over I will make them buy me a new board. Its too bad its raining too much. not gonna risk getting hurt. my bluetooth isnt working so I'll post a picture later of my board. Love it.

So I am laying in bed waiting to get tired. Just writing this random post and listening to any songs my ipod choses to play for me. My ipod loves me and knows what best lol. so lay in bed, put your ipod on shuffle and go with whatever song plays. with this I say goodnight

Friday, December 10, 2010



I know hate is a strong word...but I hate math =P nuff said

Monday, December 6, 2010


"If I ever end up in the hospital again, I dont want any visitors" my uncle said those words today. how do you respond to this? my uncle was in a serious tone. I just stared at him and walked out. My family was in the room so he wasnt alone at least. I guess I know he doesnt mean it, but still the fact that he told us to stay away, just hurt.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Do you know?

Do you know the story of the thousand paper cranes? I learned about this story in elementary school, when we were learning how to make origami.. The Japanese legend promises that anyone who folds a thousand paper cranes will be granted a wish by a crane. Most people wish for a cure for their illness or just a quick and speedy recovery. I learned more about this legend when we were learning about the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, a lot of kids would fold the cranes so that they or their family members would get better from their injuries. I didn't believe in the legend at first and just forgot all about it.

I used to go to the hospital a lot to keep my grandma company while she was getting her chemo. I was pretty bored, I didn't want to do any of my homework so I fell behind in school. books were just a turn off because they would have a happy ending, music helped but i would just stare at my grandma when she was laying in bed. I honestly needed something else to distract me. A nurse noticed how agitated I was most of the time, she just knew there were other family members like me wishing they could do something. She gave me some origami paper and told me to get busy. I did. I made everything i knew how to make. Paper planes, frogs, dogs, cats, flowers, hats, and cranes. It took me a long while to remember the legend, and once I did...I just went at it.

My sisters Megan and kalen found out what I was doing and decided to help out. I made around 600 before they realized what i was doing and they helped me finish the rest. A thousand paper cranes later, I made the wish hoping, praying, and believing that this would work. that my grandma would be cured of her cancer and would be able to see me grow up into the woman she wanted me to be. It worked. It fcking worked....for about seven months, my grandma was diagnosed with a different cancer. I don't regret those seven months. Having my grandma home every night getting better, growing her hair back. It was fcking awesome. But when she told us the news that she was diagnosed again.I disappeared for a while. I didn't want to go through that all over again, how do you endure two years of watching your loved be so sick that she cant go home, to getting all better coming home forgetting the past two years, and THEN it all comes back again. wtf.

I was a bad grand daughter at the time, I wouldn't go home so that I wouldn't see my grandma so sick. I would stay over at a friends house, wander around the neighborhood or just sit outside the house until I was needed. One night my grandma broke her leg doing something, we rushed her to the hospital and got her all fixed up. that day was another wake up point for me, and probably the turning point of my grandmas life. It went downhill from there.

A couple months later.... my grandma passed away, at home in her bed. I stayed home that night for my family and the next morning. When I had the courage to go upstairs, the first thing i saw was the cranes. Those stupid paper cranes that gave me hope. Like in Gena Showalters books...hope is demon. hope will kill you in the end, a slow painful kill.I ended up taking my car and driving around, I ended up going to a park that I always go to to forget things. I burned the cranes. I just stared at them watching them burn, wishing things were different as usual. I haven't made a crane since then, don't think I have the heart to make one.

My friend told me she was making cranes, and I just remembered everything. My cousins know I made the cranes, and I'm wondering if they'll do the same thing. I'm not going to tell them to not do it. I had 7 months of my grandma being healthy. I'll never regret that time. Maybe my uncle will get better. maybe not. hope will dissapoint sooner or later, Im just glad I had seven months. I hope my uncle gets better, my cousins need him . なんくるないさ I guess.

Friday, December 3, 2010


Bullet for my Valentine: Heart burst into Fire
I'm coming home
I've been gone for far too long
Do you remember me at all?
I'm leaving
Have I fucked things up again?
I'm dreaming
Too much time we'd have to spend
It hurts, wounds so sore
Now I'm torn, now I'm torn
I've been far away
When I see your face
My hearts burst into fire
Hearts burst into fire
You're not alone
I know I'm far from home
Do you remember me at all?
I'm leaving
Do you wait for me again?
I'm screaming
No more days we'd have to spend
It hurts, wounds so sore
Now I'm torn, now I'm torn
I've been far away
When I see your face
My hearts burst into fire
Hearts burst into fire
My beds become so lonely
No arms or sheets to hold me
Has this world stopped turning?
I'll wait forever to be apart, forever to be apart
It hurts, wounds so sore
Now I'm torn, now I'm torn
I've been far away
When I see you face
My hearts burst into fire
Hearts burst into fire
I'm coming home
I've been gone for far too long
Do you remember me at all?
Do you remember me at all?
I'm leaving
I'm screaming
I'm dreaming
My hearts burst into fire the best cover Ive heard of Just a Dream

Sitting here

Guess its time for another random post.

Im sitting in the hospital keeping my uncle company since I have no school or work on Fridays. Im in a different hospital than the one my grandma used to go to, so it feels weird being here. I got lost earlier trying to buy some food, took me a while to get back but I got here. I probably shouldnt be eating ice cream in front of my uncle since hes not allowed to...but I need some comfort food. Mutliple myleyoma is what my uncle has. its the reason why he was having some kidney issues and some back pain. its all symptoms. he basically has cancer. it can be treated since it was found right away and my uncle has had good health before this. I should be happy about this right? my uncle has a chance of getting better, so why am I not happy?

Im wondering whats gonna change. Im wondering if Im going to blow off my friends again to come stay in the hospital. Im wondering can i talk to them about this? Im wondering if I can be stronger for my uncle than how I was with my grandma. Im wondering where to start.

I miss the old hospital, it was familiar there. Here. I dont know where anything is, I dont know the nurses, I dont know a place where i could go outside and still be close to my uncle. The food here sucks too.

Thursday, December 2, 2010


One of my friends favorite word is blah. and right now its the one word that just pops into my head. there are just too many things in life right now making me grow up. making me remember. making me wish things were different. making me wish I had no regrets. But no one can change the past. we can forgive and forget and just move on in life. But there is nothing we can do to change things that have already happened. I know I cant change anything, and like the spoiled brat I am, I complain like theres no tomorrow. I just sit their and nag my life away. I need to fcking step up more. I need grow up and realize. Life is trying to push me down and keep me down.

The same friend showed me this link:
and it made me cry, remember, and realize what I have.


Wednesday, December 1, 2010


I plan on getting the title of this post around my ankle. It basically means whatever happens, happens or everything will be alright. My friends think that matches me perfectly, but right now I dont see it that way. My grandma went trhough four years of cancer, and she passed away this January. If your a follower you know I miss her, and Im still not over it. If my teachers in school decide to use cancer as an example for something I somehow tune everything out wirhout even knowing it. My classmate even decided to make a cancer joke and I just told him to shut the fck up and walked out of should be fun seeing him again...  I cant even be in a hospital and go crazy trying not to remember. Last night I found out my uncle has cancer now too. We dont know how serious it is, but still hearing that another loved one in my family has cancer, just fcking sucks. How can I say everything will be alright. How can I say whatever happens, happens. You know what else fcking sucks, some hospitals wont let kids under the age of 12 to go in the patient rooms, my uncles daughter my cousin is only 11 years old. She couldnt go in to see her father, she couldnt be there for him, she didnt understand what was going on. I want to say that everything will be alright. I really do. But Im not strong enough to say those words, because Im still not alright.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Life 8

I must say. this week. was one of the reasons why I love living.a lot more ups than the downs. Have you ever had that moment where your just super sad and want someone to talk to? I sure as hell did today at school, and somehow all the right people just make my day. Just one after another my friends would be there for me and get me to awkwardly smile in class. All my teachers think im crazy for smiling in the middle of a lecture and my classmates wont stop teasing me for it, but who cares. I love my friends for what they do for me.

Thanksgiving was okay for me, its the first year without my grandma, and it just wasnt the same. Im gonna have to get used to it. My uncle ended up going to the hospital on thanksgiving too, we were all pretty worried that he wasnt okay, he said he was having chest pains and we all thought he was having a heart attack. He didnt have a heart attack. He may be having kidney problems though... I guess that just runs in the family and it scares the shit out of me.

Black Friday... Awesome =] nuff said

two more weeks of the semester... hope finals dont kill my grades

waiting for our midnight banana cream pie =]

my best friend and me xD

hope your having a good week in this ugly yet beautiful world

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Thinking about you

So I was pretty depressed at work, and i started drawing random things and writing whatever was on my mind just so that I could get it out of my head. It really sucks being on an island sometimes, I miss certain people and I wish things could happen with certain people but I know its never gonna happen. So at work this came to mind:

What if I told you I loved you? What if I said I wanted to see where things would go with us? If I told you I wanted to be the reason why you randomly smiled in the middle of the day? If I wanted to be the person who could make you blush with the most innocent of comments? What if I wanted you to be the person whose name I couldn’t get out of my head? What if? What if I know this will never happen? What if I fall for you more than I already have? What if? What if I could just drop everything and run to your side, despite whatever distance there might be between us at any time? What if dreams became real? What if this actually happened? If you found out how I felt about you? What if?

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving everyone =]

Happy thanksgiving from Hawaii =]
Hopefully everyone has a great day, and a great shopping day tomorrow =]

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

life 7

I always say there are ups and downs in life. life has been a pain in the ass, ive really had my ups and downs. two kick ass days partying and studying with friends, and then just certain conversations get to me and it makes me remember stuff Im trying to forget about.

I get my apex 37 on monday, hopefully. No work on Thanksgiving for me :D and black friday im going to shop and end up blowing off my whole pay check. My little sister Kalen has her concert that night too, and Im going to hang out with my best friend and work =] A lot of things to look forward to in the next couple of days and im not gonna let anything bring me down...hopefully.

this made my day walking home after a shitty day of school

this just looked cool at work xD

Bad side to the last week, dad officially quit his job with no back up job, found out next semesters tuition, and I screwed up with one of my best friends...we'll have to see where that goes I guess

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Life 6

Life always has its ups and downs. As long as everything balances out it should be okay right? My whole life Ive been trying to balance everything out, but with the way my family is right now. I dont want to have any part of them. I love my family to death, and after I lost my grandma it honestly started to go downhill. My mom is becoming more controlling, my dad is quitting his job because he doesnt want to work anymore, my sisters are acting up and causing trouble for everyone. The only sane one seems to be my grandpa, so me and him are like two peas in a pod now. I guess this is me giving up on trying to get along with my family. I just need to calm down and find my balance again. Im just gonna find the time to read, hang out with friends more, focus on school and work.

Life is worth living as long as you find balance. I need that now.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Life 5

I have no idea how to start this "life" this week. Its just too confusing on whats happened in the past 30 hours actually. The other day my dad told us that he was going to quit his job and his last day of work is on the 17th of this month. He has no back up job and he wants to move to Las Vegas to find a new job and send money home when he can.... but honestly thats a bunch of bullshit. My dad loves to gamble hes not an addict or anything but I think he could be one. Im not known  to be able to control my anger, and last night I just snapped at my dad. He made my sisters cry, hes leaving us to go gamble more in Vegas and he made me side with my mom. If youve read my past blog posts my mom and I never get a long, but I would never wish for her to have to raise three girls alone. I just dont know what to say to my dad, my friends are telling to me to cool down and then talk to him some more about this. How do you talk to a man who had an idea of leaving his family behind, how do you talk to someone that selfish?

In all honestly my biggest fear in life is that I would have to be the big sister who has to quit college and find two jobs to help support the family. I love my family but Ive always wanted to go to college and get my degree in somethiing and become something. And idk where life is going to take me in the next couple of months.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

So because of

So because of stupid tourist not knowing how to stay on their side of the road and me thinking I was safe and no cars would hit me, I full on ate shit(fell) causing my arm to get all cut up from the road, shoulder popped out and my skateboard literally went fliying off a cliff and I cant get it back. my skateboard is my way to school and my ride I have to drive now, which isnt so bad, skating is just cheaper and a lot more fun. So I am in need of a new skateboard. and the one I want is around 250 with the bearings, wheels and everything. So I am semi broke right now, because all of my money is going towards my next semester at college. To save more money Im cutting off coffee, buying greek food and sadly no buying books for my nook
this is the new board i am hopefully going to get

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Life 4

So its monday again and Im sitting in a barnes and nobles cafe writing this. It is the only place I can study, dont know why it just is. I hope everyone had a great halloween and a great weekend in general =] my sisters had a lot of fun besides the light shower of rain every 30 minutes xP and being a college student I went to a lot of parties over the weekend and didnt finish all of my homework. I think Ive gotten 20 hours of sleep since thursday, and I dont think im gonna catch up on sleep anytime soon with only two more months of school.

So time for the pictures =]

Monday, October 25, 2010

Life 3

I think Im just gonna do this every monday

Got my guitar! Love it =] co-worker was bored at work so she drew a picture of me. And Friday was a lot of fun xD

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Still sick

So Im pretty sure I got my cold from my mom and or my coworker, and it sucks! Im pretty sure I failed my midterm in Biology because I was too sick to study and Im missing three more classes today, but I think I passed my math midterm and I hope I did okay on my english test yesterday.

Today Im home sick and I made some left over fish, tea and rice. the best food to eat when your sick next to chicken noodle soup =]

And of course to keep me from dying of boredom my friend sends me a funny picture from work

Monday, October 18, 2010

Life 2

life is worth living =]

So i was riding my sector nine and ate shit, and ended up laying on the road in pain for a while. In my moment of pain my sister and friend decided to draw around me and make it looked like I died.
this was a fun night =]

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


My grandmas birthday is coming up soon. miss her like crazy and I wish she were still around to see me and my sisters having a great time, doing whatevers. She met most of my friends too, and i think she would laugh really hard with me if she looked at my pictures. So Im sharing them with you too, hope you laugh or at least smile like i always do =]


Lara Adrian

Lovelovelove her books. The Midnight Breed series is what got me into paranormal romance books. These are what real vampires are suppose to be like, kick ass, mysterious, killer tattoos and HOT xD. no twilight for me. these vampires are what its all about =]

Series order:
Kiss of Midnight
Kiss of Crimson
Midnight Awakening
Midnight Rising
Veil of Midnight
Ashes of Midnight
Shades of Midnight
Taken by Midnight (just got this book ten minutes ag0, cannot wait to read this book)

Monday, October 11, 2010

fun times with the right people


not sure when we did this xD

Saturday, October 9, 2010


I need to get more sleep, college is really killing me. I also need to remember what days I have work so that the day before I dont go to a midnight to dawn party at the beach. xD I have work at 11, and it is now 1009 am...Im tired and I have no time for a nap, and I really hope I dont fall asleep at work...xD

So dont be like me and get some sleep

Thursday, October 7, 2010

first song of the day

Wednesday, October 6, 2010


I swear it shouldnt be to hard to write an essay where you DONT get graded on grammar, spelling, organization or punctuation. all i have to do it write my opinion on why Im writing about this person in the first place...and i am drawing a complete blank, im passionate about this topic too and I got nothing...

sad sad day

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

my friends and i failing

video video

Monday, October 4, 2010



ssoo...which one

So Batman or
Green Lantern???

Sunday, October 3, 2010


life gave me a pretty good beat down this weekend xD. I got beat down but i got back up and had a kick ass weekend(literally)


My friend decides she wants to go to the beach before class. So I got my butt up at 445 am to watch the sunrise and to surf. I should have just stayed on the beach and watched her surf because some people just dont realize that when youre on a wave, its yours. doesnt matter if youve been waiting longer, once you get the wave its yours. so what youre suppose to do is get out of the way... never assume people get out of your way. cause like they say when you assume you make an ass out of you and me, or something like that. So since i wasnt paying attention to anything but the wave i was on, i didnt realize this one dude trying to catch my wave. To avoid both of us losing the wave, i decide to pull out. and all to my knowledge i hit rocks in the water and get a huge cut on my shoulder.

School was a blast lol. i looked like a hobo when sharing my essay

lets see..friday wasnt as bad, until an old lady almost ran me over on my skateboard, i ended up flying into the air and making the cut on my shoulder bleed even more. I got ramen though and decided what longboard i want.

Airsoft. nuff said...if you dont understand me...go play a full auto game
then work from 3-9

Got into a fight and won :D i probably shouldnt be proud of that but I am. if anyone, I mean anyone tries to steal my grandmas bose earphones I will kick your ass. Ended up getting hit a couple of times, but the punch to my jaw is really killing me right now

then at night barnes and nobles to do homework.

all in all a good weekend

Saturday, October 2, 2010


My new theory is to start the day in the best possible way you can, and if the rest of the day is shit, then oh well you had a kick ass morning =]
For me I got on my sector nine, which is basically a skateboard and rode around my neighborhood. =] ate shit yesterday but i didnt today so its great =]

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Chronicles of Vladimir Tod

Just finished Twelfth Grade kills by Heather Brewer, and honestly...I was kinda disappointed. I love the whole Chronicles of Vladimir Tod books, and they were all fast paced books with mystery, romance and its about vampires. But for me, the books were too fast paced, there were more things i would have loved Heather Brewer to add in. Even if the books were fast paced, they are still great books to read, and I would most definitely recommend them to anyone. So get to reading =]

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


This is my view from school. I swear just the sight of hawaii makes me not pay attention in class

even when its raining its still a beautiful sight

The only bad thing about school is that I have to walk up these stairs if i cant find parking

Alkaline trio

New band to listen when your reading. Alkaline trio, has been around for a while but I just discovered them and fell instantly in love with this one song. Calling all Skeletons =]. I found this song right before I was about to read Return to Paradise by Simone Elkeles. To me it was the best band to listen to when I was reading.

So far my top three fav songs:

  1. Calling All Skeletons
  2. Help me
  3. Mercy Me

Lyrics for Calling All Skeletons

Here it is again yet it stings like the firsttime

Seems it never ends, Double nickels on your dime

I thought we were friends, but i guess it just depends who you ask

These feelings tend to leave me with a hole in my chest

A hole in my chest

Now the time has come I just wish I could erase

All the damage done to your name and your keepsakes

Its only just begun, its been fun, we were blind deaf and dumb

There's a party in my closet calling all skeletons

All Skeletons..... Calling all

Where did you go as the lights went black?

look whats become of me

Ive grown to love your dissapearing acts,

Do one more pretty please

Now the time has come I just wish I could erase

all the damage done, all the pain, all this heartache

Its only just begun its been fun, we were fucked up and numb

Theres a killer on the corner and hes looking for love

Hes.... looking for love

Yeah hes looking for (you my love)

Where did you go as the lights went black?

Looks what become of me

Ive grown to love your dissapearing acts,

Do one more pretty please

And to tell you the truth I lost my faith in you

(You gotta stop sneaking off on me)

And these unspoken lies appear at the worst times

(you gotta stop sneaking off on me)

Theyre hiding just behind your eyes

Where did you as the lights went black?

look whats become of me

Ive grown to love your dissapearing acts,

Do one more pretty please

Where did you go once the lights went black?

You nearly gace us a heart attack

We thought you mightve swam out to sea

You gotta stop sneaking off on me

you gotta stop sneaking off on me

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

things left undone

My grandmas birthday is coming up soon and since she got cancer she didnt get to see everything she wanted. She wanted a lot more time with us, and she didnt get it. I remember a lot of things my grandma wanted me to do in life, and Im gonna try my hardest to make those things come true
  1. graduate from Highschool (done)
  2. get a job (done) I want to quit though
  3. go to prom (done)
  4. take my sisters to Japan (gonna happen this summer)
  5. get married
  6. watch over my grandpa (always)
  7. go to vegas and win some money
  8. make sure my sisters graduate
  9. try and get along with my mom
  10. remember her

I miss her like crazy, but we have to move on in our lives and remember the good times and not the bad times. if you only remember the bad your not going to want to remember that person and your going to forget them completly. Im learning that the hard way, and im trying to fix it.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Books to read while waiting for your next class

So being in college is great unless your teacher decides to cancel class and not tell everyone. So I had like a 2 hour gap yesterday and all I did was read =] which is great. So the books Ive read since college started are:

Unraveled by Gena Showalter: Love =]

Sin Undone by Larissa Ione
I should actually be reading my biography book for english...but there are ssoo much better =]

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

somebody to lean on

I love my friends I really do xP. Stupid things happened the other night and when I needed to vent or cry they were there for me. talking me through things and making sure I was okay. They also reminded me that im not a burden to them, Im their friend and would do anything for me. Theyre my shoulder to lean and I love them for it =]. So just remember you always have someone to lean on even though you dont think you do.

Monday, September 6, 2010

stepping down

Being the oldest sister is a pain in the ass, but i honestly wouldnt have it any other way. My family means the world to me and i would do a lot for them. In the begining of the year I lost my grandma and I had to step up and help fill in her place in the house. I hated it for a couple of days, having to do so many things around the house not being able to see my friends as much just being exhausted. But one day i just gave up and ditched my family to just go out and be a kid again, got home went straight to bed. There is always going to be a Yin and Yang to everything, and I found it out the hard way. You realize your family needs you when it feels like your the only thing holding them up, and its felt like that ever since my grandma passed.

My grandma was born on October 17th 1932 her birthday is just a month away and its so hard without her around the house, and I guess Ive been driving my sisters crazy. So I guess this morning my sister had the courage to tell me that I dont need to worry as much anymore, that shes trying to step up and take more responsibility with the family...and didnt that just make me want to cry. and yeah it did. I dont have to hold up my family anymore. I can depend on others again like I depended on my grandma.

I miss her a lot but I have others in my family i can depend on. and my friends too

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Lords of the Underworld

I am in love with this series of books by Gena Showalter, the romance, the drama, the action, the drop dead gorgeous guys and the fact that they have Greek Mythology. I first started reading Showalters books in May 2008, her first book that came out is called Darkest Night, and I just instantly fell in love.

Summary for Lords of the Underworld:
Long ago immortal warriors favored by the king of Gods himself had stolen Pandoras box unleashing all of its evils. With the demons of Pandoras box released, and the box mis
sing the gods needed a new vessle to hold the demons. Now these immortal warriors carry the evil inside of themselves. Violence, Pain, Death, Disease, Misery, Disaster, Doubt Promiscuity, Defeat, Secrets, Lies and Wrath. There are Hunters who believe that the warriors are the reason for everyones sorrow in the world, and their one purpose to kill them all. But when a powerful enemy returns they will travel everywhere in search of the one thing that can destroy them all

Book list:
The Darkest Fire (short story*)
The Darkest Night
The Darkest Kiss
The Darkest Pleasure
The Darkest Prison (short story*)
The Darkest Whisper
The Darkest Angel (short story*)
The Darkest Passion
The Darkest Lie
The Darkest Secret (coming out in March 2011)
The Darkest Surrender (coming out in July 2011)

*the short stories can be found in "Into the Dark"

Wednesday, June 16, 2010


Yay new band and music to LOVE
This new band to me is called "Hedley" so far they have three amazing albums that I love

my top three favorite songs for now are:

  1. Never too late

  2. Friends

  3. For those Nights I cant remember

Lyrics for Friends

When I saw you wave goodbye it made me smile while it made me cry

I never thought I'd see the day, I never thought you'd walk a million miles away

But I know we all gotta grow so

These days everybody wants to find out how the story ends

So we say nothins is a possibility if you dont got your friends

And I know as time goes but where never gonna pretend

Cause you and me will always be friends

So if you're feeling all almone remember good times or remember home

And if you question all that you see, remember that you always go to a freind in me

Cause I know we all gotta grow

These days everybody wants to find out how the story ends

So we say nothing is a possibility, if you dont got your friends

And I know as time foes but where never gonna pretend

Cuse you and me will always be friends

These days everybodt wants to find out how the story ends

So we say nothing is a possibility, if you dont got your friends

And I know as time goes you'll be fast and firm slow and we'll find

Are temp cause we may never know how the story ends

But you and me will always be...

These days everybody wants to find out how the story ends

So we say nothing is a possiblity if you dont got your friends

And I know as time goes but where never gonna pretend

Cause you and me will always be friends

Yeah you and me will always be friends

Yeah you and me will always be friends

Monday, June 7, 2010

Got Leid =]

So I graduated on the 25th of May but havent had anytime to post it on here =] Its so weird being out of high school, everything seems more serious xP. So I will now post the pics my family took =] So here in Hawaii we give leis to a person on special occasions. If its your birthday you get a lei, if you get a promotion you get a lei, if you graduate from anything you get a lei. So I got leid.. a lot xD yeah you read that right I got leid.

Next year Im going to a communitycollege, most likely to study Marketing and Japanese...but who knows we shall see

My friend Kerri

David and Kara =]

My friend Sasha from the Mainland, she had no idea what the ceremony would be like so she was suprised xD
So Graduation was a lot of fun =] after grad we had a project graduation field trip thing, we ended up going to the water park from 11 pm to 6 am =]

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Senior Prom

So someones been forgetting to remind me to post my pictures up until now **coughcoughLiannecough** xD so they are really late and yeah

These are some pictures from my senior prom =]

my friend walter being a butt and walking infront of the pic

The guys =]

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Wake up Call

Today is the start of the last week of high school for me...everything was fine, hanging out in the morning with friends, laughing, craming for all my finals. Class starts, all of us are on time except for my classmate... then he comes rushing in and tells us there was a stabbing... All of us thought he was joking, but the look on his face told us he wasnt lying.... he continued to tell us what happened and who was hurt... when we found out who was the stabber we all didnt believe it, we all knew him as the guy who anyone could talk to and whats worse is that he stabbed his once best friend... all of this was over a girl... A lot of my friends were in that classroom and they say everything.... I was so scared for them, and felt helpless as they had to try and realize what just happened...

The person who was stabbed will live and not have any fatal injurines... the stabber turned himself in right after what he had done, and none of us know whats going to happen to him.....

this was another wake up call for me that there are people out there who need someone to talk to, so that we dont have situations like this again... so please, keep an open ear, an open mind and an open heart. Today could have been a lot worse and Im thankful it just ended where it did

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Getting Paid on Friday

As soon as I get my paycheck I am going to pay off the money I borrowed from my mom for prom, fix my Bose earphones and but Lover Mine by JR Ward =] I have been waiting forever for Lover Mine to come out

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Boy meets Girl

"So I'm Jake Hanabishi, I'm from North Carolina and before that I lived in Florida. I was born March 23rd 1992, I have an older brother named Jeremy, and I'm now a resident of Hawaii as of 6 hours ago"

'hey, your birthday is just one day ahead of mine" wow this guy is amazing.... I didn't know to make this conversation going so I asked him to say any five random facts about him and he did. No hesitations. Just listening to him talking makes me feel like I've known him for a long time. its just really easy to talk to him and I love it.

"Do you mind if I ask why you moved here?" i ask
"well my mom and dad are divorced, and hes stationed here on one of the bases, not sure which one though. My mom and I are moving here for a little while to help take care of my grandma, shes sick. So I'm going to be home schooled until we have to move again." he says this with so sadness in his eyes, like its still a fresh wound he doesn't really life to talk about, but somehow he did with me a total stranger who hit him in the face with a door.

"Sorry to hear that, my grandmas really sick now too...shes a cancer patient. She says shes doing fine, but I know shes lying she just doesn't want me to worry." I cant believe I just told someone that... I haven't even told my friends yet, I think if I told them i would break down, wishing things would be different. But here I am no tears running down my eyes, just warm thoughts of how even when my grandma is sick shes trying to make me feel safe. I guess some things just never change in a person.

Once I look back up after what i just said, theres no pity in Jake's eyes just a warm smile trying to make me feel better. What is up with this guys smile? Every time i see it makes my heart melt and wonders how i can make him smile like that again. I guess i was zoning out, cause he starts waving his hands in my face. "Hello still there? your cousin is starting to wake up from her nap" I start to blink and remember where I am and who I'm with.

"Hey Alex, this is Jake, Jake this is Alex." all Alex does is stare at me and then stares and Jake for a long time...then smiles and goes back to sleep. "I guess shes still tired"

"So how about you tell me about yourself, same question. Tell me five random things about you."

"hhmmm lets see.... I love being in water so I paddle and swim, I have a bad right shoulder so I cant do what I love a lot, I love to read, I have two younger sisters and my grandma means the world to me." As soon as I finish a women comes walking towards our table with a warm smile.

"There you are Jake, Ive been looking everywhere for you. My shift is over now so lets head home." she then looks at me and says "Hey your the young girl from the Shinagawa room, I see you met my son here. Hope hes been treating you well."

I try to remember where Ive seen her before, but cant quite remember... "I'm sorry I don't mean to be rude but who are you?"

"I'm one of the nurses on floor eight, I always see you sleeping in the chair in your grandmas room, your a great granddaughter for taking care of your grandma like that, but shouldn't you be heading back up there? There are a lot of people up there now keeping your grandma company, I'm guessing your suppose to be doing that too." Shes right on the dot, wow... I'm suppose to be here to buy grandma some ice cream for when she wakes. "Shes right Jake got to go, and again sorry for hitting you in the face with the door"

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Girl meets Boy

"Hi my names Kira Shinagawa, I'm looking for my grandma Elizabeth Shinagawa, do you know what room shes in?" I should have asked mom for directions before I came here, I should have gone home first in general. Paddling was hard enough on my shoulder, but taking a 45 minute bus ride with all my gear was not the best thing to do.

"Lets see Elizabeth Shinagawa... oh here she is, shes in room 816." she looks at me up and down wondering if I'm going to cause any trouble.

I know I'm not the best dressed especially since I'm wearing swim trunks and a tank top with a giant duffel bag, hair everywhere and I'm pretty sure I have sand all over me. I cant believe its been a year since the first day I came here. Its like another home, where i know how to get to each room, where the food is, the best place to sit and relax. I just wish it was a place that would cure my grandma of her cancer, not just slow down the process.

"Hey Kira" I turn around and see my auntie and little cousin Alexandra . Alexandra is a year old with big brown eyes and curly black hair, and is the most chill baby the family has ever had. "I forgot something of your grandmas at home, do you think you can watch Alex while I go home and pick it up? I wont be gone that long, here's some money in case you want to get something to eat too. I can tell you just had practice so get something to eat for you and Alex please." before I had the chance to say okay my auntie was long gone.

"Wow Alex your mom is crazy you know that? but we love her all the same" with that Alex smiled and got comfy in my arms. "I guess we should head up then, thank you for the help"

"Hey grandma, look who I brought with me little Alex..." even after a year of seeing my grandma after chemo, it still kills my heart every time to see my hero just laying here in bed. "Grandmas sleeping Alex let me change clothes and then we can go get some food, and ice cream for grandma when she wakes up"

Much better, nothing feels better than a dry t-shirt and jeans after a long day of practice. I wonder what the specialty for the day is, I hope its not meatloaf again, there is no way is that meat special. Well its special for making me want to hurl after one bite, and its as hard as a rock.

"Come on Alex, stuff fussing around, I'll get you your food soon" sheesh everywhere hurt, my shoulder, my ankle and definitely my back. With no free hands I push the door open with my back, but end up short, all I hear is a thump and "oh that's just great, first day on an island and i get hit in the face."

"Oh shit I am so sorry, i wasn't looking and my cousin here was fussing around so i couldn't really be careful. I'm so sorry are you hurt, here let me help you up. Um Alex sit there and do not move." shit isn't this just great I'm already tired and my so called chill cousin wont stop fussing around and I hit this stranger in the face... hes kinda cute, and tall, and wow.

"I'm sorry, I hit you. I wasn't paying attention and I'm kinda out of it from having a long day of practise. I'm Kira, you are?"

"Not a problem, I'm kinda out of it too, long plane rides aren't the best thing. My names Jake, nice to meet you, um your cousin is starting to crawl away..."

"Alex come back here don't touch that. Again sorry about this, can I treat you to a soda or something? Its the least I can do after hitting you in the face..."

"yea a soda sounds great" he says with a smile on his face. With that one smile, I cant shake the feeling that this guy is someone I'm not gonna forget.


(end of first story)