Sunday, April 14, 2013

There's a girl. I like her. Or I'm infatuated with her.
I dont know.
It feels good to like someone again, knowing that I don't think of sasha all the time.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Her happy place? Is the drive I take home every time I pick her up from work. Her happy place is the route my dad used to drive me around to cheer me up or make me fall asleep at night. Her happy place is one of my happy places. 

When someone asked me about my happy place in front of her. I lied. I said "Having a midnight skate session during the full moon with the wind blowing behind me." Which is true and not true. My current happy place? Thinking back to that time when we were laying in my bed, going through my ipods pictures and videos. We were like that for an hour maybe and I was happy. I had her in my arms and I was happy. That is my happy place. I could never tell her that because she doesn't belong to me.She never really did. 

Caring for someone when you shouldn't. How do I stop? I know she will NEVER be mine anymore. I won't interfere with her relationship anymore. I can't. not again. 

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

"You still love her don't you?" I ask myself that question every single day. 

I was finally able to tell her how I felt and it made me the happiest girl in the world. I was able to tell the person I thought I could fall in love with how I truly felt. 
She just didn't feel the same way. She betrayed me. She made me look like a fool and this post is going to be very repetitive of my other posts but I need to say it over and over again so that it will get through to me. 

Even when I tell others why we aren't friends anymore I can't find myself truly hating her. When they tell me to kick her out of my house I can't say I will. I should but I can't. I still have feelings for her and I don't want to lose her. 

I wish I could just fall in love with someone else. Have them love me back and help me move on. Oh wait. I tried that last time. It worked and I ended up breaking someone's heart. I don't drink my sorrows away and I don't have sloppy make out sessions with anyone. I like to think that I take relationships seriously, that when you do ask someone to be yours you already trust them and you will find any way to fall in love with them and stay in love. Love. A word that's thrown around. It has no meaning anymore. 

If I really did love her. I would move past all of this and just be her friend. Right?

I wanted her to be the arrow and I be the target. Not the other way around. Guys have chosen her and she said yes. I wanted her to ask me so that I know she wants me and she will fight for me. Is that so much to ask for?

I guess it was. I say that because any person who ever did love me at one point in life wouldn't have treated me the way they did. The deal breaker for all of this? SHE MADE ME TELL HER BOYFRIEND THAT I LIKED HER! I didn't know he was her boyfriend at the time. Looking back on that day. I shouldn't love her anymore.
But I do.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

I don't mean anything to her, but she still means something to me?

I know I don't love Sasha anymore, but I did love whatever friendship we did have. For a month I had the girl I loved and my best friend living with me. She didn't know anything about how I felt but I felt like the happiest girl in the world. Sure I was confused as fuck how I felt about this girl but I did chose the friendship before she did reject me. It's just hard to remember that since she betrayed me as the person I called my best friend.

We honestly didn't have the best friendship in the world. We didn't trust each other to keep ourselves from falling apart. I didn't tell her anything because she had her own issues to worry about and I wanted her to get over those issues. Sasha did the same for me. Maybe if we had trusted each other more we wouldn't be in the situation we are now?

Not loving someone is the easy part of life, getting over the loss of a relationship is the hardest part.
maybe this would be easier if Sasha would move out of my house...

Saturday, September 29, 2012

FUCK! i've written three different sentences before this one and I can't find out how to start this.

I vented to a lot of people about all of this and I get that you would get mad at that. I should have talked to you instead of talking to everyone else. I should have kept it between us. But I couldn't. you were the last person I had wanted to talk to. I was so hurt by all of this. So I vented to the people I trust the most. I vented everything. I told them what I held special in our friendship, I told them what I wanted to ask you, I told them the moment where I knew our friendship would start and I told them the first time I knew I was starting to fall in love with you. I told them everything and I understand how that would hurt you, but honestly? Where have you been? I understand that you have work and I have school, but there is time for us to talk and we just don't. 
We're letting each other walk out of each others lives with a billion things left unsaid. We're letting three years of friendship disappear. We're suppressing memories that people wish they could have. I'm not fighting for this friendship and neither are you. 
Are you not around because you still care for me too much? Do you hate me? Am I not allowed to see you because Andrew knows I have feelings for you? I fucked up didn't I?
This is a fucking two way street and you know what? I'm done trying to fix this. I know I'm putting in effort and you aren't.
We were both shitty friends in certain aspects of our life. But I still call you my best friend. You treated me like another option instead of your best friend and that's what hurts me the most. It hurts that I know you couldn't talk to me, it hurts that you couldn't tell I was hurting, it hurts when I think of all the times you should have told me, it hurts knowing that things will probably never be the same.
You don't care if I disappear... Your actions proved me right on that one. So why should I care if you disappear? 
In my opinion you're purposely pushing me away. Making me try to move on. I don't understand why though... 
I want to fight for this friendship. But I need to know that I mean something to you...

Guess we'll never know huh?

Friday, September 28, 2012

I woke up from my nap. crying. I looked at the bed next to mine and wondered if things would ever be the same. Everything I do lately reminds me of her.
I cant drive in the car without thinking "when is the next time we're going to drive around the island?" I miss those nights when she drove me around, I drove her around and we just had each others company. It was one of those things I loved about our friendship. But you know what changed that? She invited Andrew to come with us one night. I fucking hated every moment of it. Driving around the island was our thing, or at least to me it was... I know they've gone around the island together and it just hurts knowing that. What I once held special to my heart is being ripped away.
I saw this random couple being cute together today at school and then the guy hugged his girl from behind. I wanted to cry. I miss doing that with Sasha. I used to hold her from behind at any moment and now? I'm trying to hold myself from falling apart.
Just every little thing is getting to me.
The songs I have, the places I go to, the food I eat and the memories I have. It all hurts.
I want another rejection. I want her to tell me to get the fuck out of her life and I will... the thing though... If she tells me to stay... I will.
Not because I'm wrapped around her finger like some people have been saying, but because I valued the little things that made up our friendship. I miss her as my friend. I miss her.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

"Is she really your best friend or the girl that you've loved for the past three years?"
I honestly couldn't answer this question. I couldnt answer the question why I loved her as a person and why she was my best friend.
When I got home all I could think about the memories that we shared together and honestly? It's more of the person I've loved for the past three years rather than my best friend.
what moment made her my best friend? It was the day my grandma had passed away. She was there to comfort me even though we had just met a couple months before. Just that one moment has made me stay her friend over all these years.
I've been through so much drama because of her and I have even lost some friends. At the time she was worth it, it was just a no brainer for me. This girl was my best friend and I was in love with her.
I loved the way she would hold me from behind, and I loved doing the same for her. I love how we act like creepers together. I loved that she understood that driving around or being driven around makes me feel better. I love the way we eat at RaiRai's. I love how cute she can be, her weirdness and her sense of humor.
I guess most of what I just listed were things as a lover and not a best friend. I have never not liked this girl. She has always been in the back of my mind in all of my relationships over the years. Heck I fucked up a relationship because I still had feelings for her.
Ive never gotten to know her as a friend I guess?
I have the hardest time telling her how I sometimes. I want to ask her "What do I mean to you" that's all I want to know.
I do still lover her but I will move on and forget about her. What she did to me as a lover I will never forgive her for.
As a best friend? as the girl who was there for me when the most important person in my life passed away? I should drop her out of my life.
Its just fucking hard. Having her there every day of my life to not being around at all? its like a piece of myself is going to be missing.
My family calls her my other half and its true. We've always been together and now we're not. Soon they're going to ask what happened and I will say shes not my best friend anymore.
She's not the girl I should love and she lost me as her best friend...
I've come to that conclusion but will I keep it? probably not.
I know in the back of my mind that when she does fall I will be there to pick her up.
The past me will show up, pick her up and leave.

Monday, September 24, 2012

I honestly do miss her, but more than anything I miss my old group of friends. I miss how close we all used to be. I miss seeing all of them everyday and us not doing anything.
I miss them playing magic while I did homework. They made me feel safe and not alone. They arent the best of friends but they were there.
I know that she is partially the reason why we all dont hang out together anymore. I know everything that shes done, I've been through everything shes done and I should have walked away a long time ago.
She doesnt care if I disappear. She doesn't care that I'm hurting so much. She doesn't trust me.
I care if I disappear. I dont want to hurt this much. I dont trust her anymore?
I still love her.
what annoys me the most. Is that I fucking trust her with everything, but I dont tell her how I felt because I know shes going through worse shit than I am. I would always be there for her but I never wanted her to be there for me because I felt that she couldnt handle it. I want her to get better and not have to worry about me. I always tried to put her first.
When I was with Kelsie I couldnt stop thinking about Sasha. It wasnt fair to Kelsie. So i broke my relationship with Sasha and you know what? she didnt care. She didnt try to ask what was wrong. She just let things disappear. This whole thing was always a one way thing wasnt it? I called her one of my best friends, but did she ever do the same for me? Probably not.
I know in my heart what she means to me. I want her to be my friend, I want her to be a legit best friend and I want people to KNOW that we are each others best friend.
I want her to fight for me. I want her to realize what shes missing. I want her to reach rock bottom and realize that I will be there to fucking pick her back up. I wont kick her when shes down. I wont judge. I'll do what I usually do.
I'll be there.
She knows everything about me. If she needs me she knows where to find me.
I wont do the fighting anymore. I am a person who knows what shes worth. If she cant see it then fuck it.