Proud?

My teacher apparently loves one of the essays I wrote in class and wants me to get it published, but I don't think I could. It's about my grandma and how I was weak for not being there for her and with her. I can't even imagine anyone else reading this paper.

maybe? I don't know...

feelings

I fucking like you, I wish I was with you.

I am okay with school at the moment.

Work is okay, making money is always a good thing

I love being at home

Jake is doing great in the airforce

I.like.you.fuck.this.distance.fuck.my.emotions.that.are.making.me.feel.this.way.

pointless

Full time student, two jobs, friend, big sister and just me. I am dead fucking tired lately, I have one day off the entire week but only from work. I have school from 7:45 am to 3 pm. It's not as bad as it sounds I have gaps where I can hang out with friends, go off campus and eat or just go home take a nap then come back. My grades are surprisingly doing okay this semester even with all the shenanigans plus the amount of hours I work. I think I've finally learned to stop procrastinating in life because I appreciate the sleep I can get and the friend/family time I get.

Mood Is killed

So I just got home from Kauai, drove through traffic, got a call from my old job saying I could have my job back and I start Monday. I unpack and was ready for a nap, as I was about to take a nap my mom wants to tell me what my sister did. I already know she's gonna start talking shit about her and of course she does. She told me how my sister loves to lie to her and she honestly does and I hate whenever she does this shit to me. I dont give a fuck if my sister has a boy friend at this age. I've met him, I've given my sister the sex talk. There honestly isnt much that I can do. I'm not going to tell her not to have a boyfriend, cause shes shes going to go behind my back and do it. I've done it so I know. My mom was a teenager before so she should know all of this crap. So why does she act like this? why does she make rules that she knows arent going to work? Why couldnt she wait til after my nap? or after my amazing fcking mood of coming home? Just fucking great

vent

Moms a fucking idiot and I’m a fucking idiot too. I know that but she doesn’t. Today is the anniversary of my grandma’s birthday and also my best friends birthday. Tomorrow I have two midterms, work, and have to study for a business quiz. I was at school until 6:30 pm working on a project and studying for one of my midterms. My mom knew that and she still gets mad at me for skipping dinner. My family wouldn’t wait til after 6:30 so that I can eat dinner with them, and how did i know they didnt wait? My sister called me from her friends house saying that everyones mad at you for not coming home for dinner. I know I probably should have left earlier but fuck that. I need to do great on these midterms or I’ll never raise my gpa, if I didn’t go I would be missing 80 points for my project because my group members wouldn’t put my name if I didnt help today. I didn’t want to spend my grandma’s birthday waiting to have an awkward dinner with the family. I didn’t want to be sad around the house. I didnt want my family mad at me but whatevers. Its their choice to be mad and I dont give a fuck. 

Nankurunaisa. whatever happens, happens and everything will be alright.

it happened and it will be alright

Another night

It's another night where I remember the people who I dont have in my life anymore. Monday was my grandmas birthday and I'm going to get her name tattooed on my so that I remember who raised me and how she raised me. I keep forgetting that lately. I miss her cooking dinner for us, I miss helping her cook, and I hate cooking by myself. My sisters dont understand that when I ask them to help me cook its not because I'm lazy but because it's how my grandma and I used to cook. I don't have the heart to tell them that though. I dont really know how much my sisters miss my grandma, I know they do but I dont think its like me. I miss her.
Then there's Jake. He's done with his air force training and tech school and may or may not get deployed. I can say I dont love him like I did before but I do miss him and he is my best friend.
I hate to admit it but all of my best friends who are girls arent around me anymore. theyre always a phone call away which is okay but I miss them being with me when I go to diamond head to watch the sunrise, I miss miki staying at my house to hang out with me and watch cable, I miss Meiqi and all of the stupid shenanigans we had, I miss Lexi, and I'm going to miss Sasha when she goes to Texas for boot camp. I still have my best guy friends around but I dont get to talk about boys, or clothes, or stupid girl drama with them. I know they try especially when some of them ask me if I want to go shopping lol. They know I'm missing my other friends and thats why I love them.
I'm happy in life with all these ups and downs I've been having recently because everything does balance out for me.

nankurunaisa is around the right side of my ankle and the left side will have the words "Elizabeth Mikiyo Shinagawa October 17, 1932- January 27. 2010"  Reminding me everyday when I get out of bed that my grandmas the one who helped shaped the person who I am today and one day I will make her proud of me.

Then there is this one person who I still think about, and I hate that I cant talk to her anymore. The song Obsessed with the Stars by the Icarus Account is playing right now and it really makes me think. Do you ever think about me? Youre not here and you make my mind go crazy. Thinking of that person brings a smile to my face, and a frown sometimes. I know shes happy in life right now and I'm happy for her. If I cant make her happy then I hope someone else can. blah Idk what i'm writing or thinking anymore.

nightnight everyone and remember have faith in yourself and whatever happens, happens.

listens

Todays been a weird day... My friend is moving to New York tomorrow, my other friend got accepted to study abroad in London, another is leaving in March ish for basic training, and I officially say I lost one of my best friends. Talking to my friend Kris made me realize she's not really my best friend anymore. I don't get to talk to her anymore because she let's her boyfriend be a control freak, shes not there when I need her and she would abuse our friendship. It sucks. My friend Marcus literally makes a living by playing video games so hes moving to the mainland for better wifi connection, hes moving in with one of his co worker hes never met and i dont know anymore. None of my friends are normal at the moment and Ive been listening and giving advice but they never listen. I need another break from life right fucking now

Hollywood Undead

Coming Back Down"
(feat. Kevin Rudolf)

[DANNY]
I just can't escape
it's like you're here with me now
but the words you say
they always seem to fade out
since you been away
I'm just a face in the crowd
someday, someday
I know you're coming back

[JDOG]
down in the dirt
with your blood on my hands
I blacked out
but now I do understand
that you were too good
for this world so you left it
everything turned red
and then you made an exit
I don't even know
if it was your time
but like all good things
that pass you by
its like a lost soul
in the time of need
it made me grow up fast
and put some blood on my knees
and you don't even know
what's beyond you
thinking you could never die
like you're bullet proof
so I guess you had to leave
you were born with wings
but you were never happy
til the angels sing

[DANNY]
I just can't escape
it's like you're here with me now
but the words you say
they always seem to fade out
since you been away
I'm just a face in the crowd
someday, someday
I know you're coming back down
someday, someday
I know you're coming back down

[JOHNNY 3 TEARS]
I'm ashes to ashes
I'm dust to dust
And when a man
turns to ashes
forget about love
like the feeling inside you
with the bottle beside you
you both end up empty
like an angel just died too
I look to the heavens
to the sky and the rest
I looked inside myself
I felt my heart in my chest
Something so point blue
there's nothing to say
some hearts to stay true
when falling away
Come lay down beside me
what you and I mean
it's only what I've seen
it's only just one dream
tell my baby I love her
and I wish I could hold her
it's hard to say goodbye
when you know that it's over

[DANNY]
I just can't escape
it's like you're here with me now
but the words you say
they always seem to fade out
since you been away
I'm just a face in the crowd
someday, someday
I know you're coming back down
someday, someday
I know you're coming back down
one day, one day
I know you're coming back down

[JOHNNY 3 TEARS]
I know you're coming back
know you're coming back
I know you're coming back down

I know you're coming back
know you're coming back
I know you're coming back down (down)

I know you're coming back
know you're coming back
I know you're coming back down

I know you're coming back
know you're coming back
I know you're coming back down

[DANNY]
I know you're coming back down

[DANNY]
I just can't escape
it's like you're here with me now
but the words you say
they always seem to fade out
since you been away
I'm just a face in the crowd
someday, someday
I know you're coming back down
someday, someday
I know you're coming back down
one day, one day
I know you're coming back down