FUCK! i've written three different sentences before this one and I can't find out how to start this.

I.fucked.up.

I vented to a lot of people about all of this and I get that you would get mad at that. I should have talked to you instead of talking to everyone else. I should have kept it between us. But I couldn't. you were the last person I had wanted to talk to. I was so hurt by all of this. So I vented to the people I trust the most. I vented everything. I told them what I held special in our friendship, I told them what I wanted to ask you, I told them the moment where I knew our friendship would start and I told them the first time I knew I was starting to fall in love with you. I told them everything and I understand how that would hurt you, but honestly? Where have you been? I understand that you have work and I have school, but there is time for us to talk and we just don't. 

We're letting each other walk out of each others lives with a billion things left unsaid. We're letting three years of friendship disappear. We're suppressing memories that people wish they could have. I'm not fighting for this friendship and neither are you. 

Are you not around because you still care for me too much? Do you hate me? Am I not allowed to see you because Andrew knows I have feelings for you? I fucked up didn't I?

This is a fucking two way street and you know what? I'm done trying to fix this. I know I'm putting in effort and you aren't.

We were both shitty friends in certain aspects of our life. But I still call you my best friend. You treated me like another option instead of your best friend and that's what hurts me the most. It hurts that I know you couldn't talk to me, it hurts that you couldn't tell I was hurting, it hurts when I think of all the times you should have told me, it hurts knowing that things will probably never be the same.

You don't care if I disappear... Your actions proved me right on that one. So why should I care if you disappear? 

In my opinion you're purposely pushing me away. Making me try to move on. I don't understand why though... 

I want to fight for this friendship. But I need to know that I mean something to you...

Guess we'll never know huh?