Wednesday, September 5, 2012

So all the past couple of posts of my personal life anywhere make me look like a fucking fool. They've been going out for a month now. She let me confess to her and said nothing about him. Nothing. I am so mad right now. Is it so hard for her to tell me how she feels? Is it so hard to reject me? I understand she used to like me too and doesnt want me as a girlfriend because she doesnt want to lose my friendship. But honestly her hiding this shit from me makes me want to break off this friendship. What kind of best friend does this shit? I talked to her and him a combined total of five times saying I liked her and that I would want to try something. They still didnt tell me they were together. I feel like a fucking idiot. I saw the signs that they liked each other but I never really thought they were going out yet. If they had just told me I would have backed off. I always back off whenever she is in a romantic relationship with anyone.
It would have been easier to move on. I wouldnt have told her how I felt. I should have kept my feelings in. I should have never had told her. All those nights I spent wondering how she feels about me. All those days asking friends for advice on what I should do. pointless. There was no way I could have saved myself.
I want to trust her. I want her to still be my best friend. I want her to be part of my life. But I finally, after three years of loving her got my rejection. Three years of falling in love with this girl and now I have to drop my feelings. I will move on. I will find someone else who will return my feelings. I will find a way to trust her again. I will find a way to be happy for her and be happy myself.
Thats all I've ever wanted for her. I guess after three years of holding back thats what I was worried about the most. Will I be able to make her happy?
She chose someone else to make her happy. It was her decision and I will respect it.
I'll hold back on the constant texts that we always used to have. I will miss holding her from behind the most. Miss loving her. I have to stop dreaming of us ever having something. I have to stop loving her.