Tuesday, December 28, 2010

you know

you know i never thought it would be this hard to read a book. the book isnt bad or anything it just connects too much to whats happening in my life right now. I want to be more determined in life, I want to know what the hell im going to do with my life. I just want to know. Maybe you know what youre going to be doing in life, but me I know nothing.People always say to live in the moment and to just enjoy life, my grandma told me those words so hell yea Im gonna listen to her. I enjoy life, I know their are people who love me, who can make me smile, who can make me cry tears of joy. Those people are the reason why I dont want to leave home. "Home is where the heart is" a small line from the book Im reading and I believe it. No matter how much we hate where we grew up or who we grew up with, it made us who we are. Its who we are that people fall in love with. Finding something thats right, our souldmate. I believe in love, I truly do. The greeks taught us about the different types of love we can have for a person(i paid attention in class :] I believe that those who truly deserve love will find love in the most pure form. The love of that one person who makes everything click, the pereson you cant live without, that person just makes everything right. I have friends who can do those things for me. But I havent found that one person who can do it all. I havent done anything in my life, so love shouldnt come knocking on my door anytime soon. I can wait for my one person who does it alll. I wont be blind to love, if it comes knocking on my door im gonna welcome love and keep it close. So you never know when loves gonna come.

Im currently sitting outsife of my house right now at 1046 pm. its a beautiful night, me looking at the stars wonder "what time will tell"  The word butterflies came into my head, I used to get butterflies talking to someone I had a crush on. I would smile this goofy grin whenever I had the chance to talk to that person. It was just fun to talk. For a second I wished it would go somewhere, you know be something more thean just friends. But it was a stupid wish to make, I knew it wouldnt go anywhere, but that stupid thought left my head as soon as we talked more. I was a sucker for a hello, that hello that would bring the butterflies to my stomach and that goofy grin to my face. You know what happens next right? I lost contact with that person, we just stopped talking. there were probably a million things i could have done, things i should have done. But if i even tried to do anything I knew i would get hurt in the end. You know what Im thinking though? Im a dumbass. I saved myself from the heartache but I lost a friend. I lost a Platontic liove I had with someone. Losing a friend that makes you smile like that, just sucks. I get how a friend feels now, I know that sounds pretty dicks but yeah. I get the pain, and hate it. I wish I could rewind time and give them better advice. cause the bullshit that came out of my mouth to make them feel better isnt doing shit for me right now.

You know that one friend you have that gives you the most perfect advice that makes you feel better? it will never be me, Im just a friend who will hug you when you need it, will just sit there in the silence when you need it, just a shoulder to lean on. But to give advice that will give someone hope, that for sure is never gonna be me.

all this rambling from reading a couple of my book, this book is just one of those books that hit too close to him. It makes you think about what you dont want to think about and you for some reason love it for that very reason. It makes you remember the good and the bad, remember your living in the present and makes you wonder about your future. I never know whats gonna happen in my future no one really knows. we just have to fall into the darkness and wait for the hands of faith to drop us off where we're suppose to be. Just fall and life will pick you right back up, giving you reasons to live.

At the end of every post なんくるないさ comes into my head. maybe its because deep down I know everything will be alright and that whatever happens, just happens.