Sunday, December 5, 2010

Do you know?

Do you know the story of the thousand paper cranes? I learned about this story in elementary school, when we were learning how to make origami.. The Japanese legend promises that anyone who folds a thousand paper cranes will be granted a wish by a crane. Most people wish for a cure for their illness or just a quick and speedy recovery. I learned more about this legend when we were learning about the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, a lot of kids would fold the cranes so that they or their family members would get better from their injuries. I didn't believe in the legend at first and just forgot all about it.

I used to go to the hospital a lot to keep my grandma company while she was getting her chemo. I was pretty bored, I didn't want to do any of my homework so I fell behind in school. books were just a turn off because they would have a happy ending, music helped but i would just stare at my grandma when she was laying in bed. I honestly needed something else to distract me. A nurse noticed how agitated I was most of the time, she just knew there were other family members like me wishing they could do something. She gave me some origami paper and told me to get busy. I did. I made everything i knew how to make. Paper planes, frogs, dogs, cats, flowers, hats, and cranes. It took me a long while to remember the legend, and once I did...I just went at it.

My sisters Megan and kalen found out what I was doing and decided to help out. I made around 600 before they realized what i was doing and they helped me finish the rest. A thousand paper cranes later, I made the wish hoping, praying, and believing that this would work. that my grandma would be cured of her cancer and would be able to see me grow up into the woman she wanted me to be. It worked. It fcking worked....for about seven months, my grandma was diagnosed with a different cancer. I don't regret those seven months. Having my grandma home every night getting better, growing her hair back. It was fcking awesome. But when she told us the news that she was diagnosed again.I disappeared for a while. I didn't want to go through that all over again, how do you endure two years of watching your loved be so sick that she cant go home, to getting all better coming home forgetting the past two years, and THEN it all comes back again. wtf.

I was a bad grand daughter at the time, I wouldn't go home so that I wouldn't see my grandma so sick. I would stay over at a friends house, wander around the neighborhood or just sit outside the house until I was needed. One night my grandma broke her leg doing something, we rushed her to the hospital and got her all fixed up. that day was another wake up point for me, and probably the turning point of my grandmas life. It went downhill from there.

A couple months later.... my grandma passed away, at home in her bed. I stayed home that night for my family and the next morning. When I had the courage to go upstairs, the first thing i saw was the cranes. Those stupid paper cranes that gave me hope. Like in Gena Showalters books...hope is demon. hope will kill you in the end, a slow painful kill.I ended up taking my car and driving around, I ended up going to a park that I always go to to forget things. I burned the cranes. I just stared at them watching them burn, wishing things were different as usual. I haven't made a crane since then, don't think I have the heart to make one.

My friend told me she was making cranes, and I just remembered everything. My cousins know I made the cranes, and I'm wondering if they'll do the same thing. I'm not going to tell them to not do it. I had 7 months of my grandma being healthy. I'll never regret that time. Maybe my uncle will get better. maybe not. hope will dissapoint sooner or later, Im just glad I had seven months. I hope my uncle gets better, my cousins need him . なんくるないさ I guess.