So I think

So I honestly think I have been going out and having too much fun with either my friends, family or me just riding on my skateboard. My knee is officially killing me. I have a knee brace and everything but it still hurts. Its been almost two weeks since I hurt my knee. I couldn't take it easy for the first couple of days it hurt because I had work and volunteer, but since Ive cut back some hours its not really helping me. Running around playing Tag at 3 am at school or playing kickball at 2 am isnt helping at all. Yeah its winter break and I dont want to take it easy, I want to have fun lol. But my knee needs to get better asap. So I think after new years celebrations done I am going to rest my knee, try not to do anything and just relax on my couch or in bed at home. I already have a bad right shoulder, I do not want a bad knee too.

So, my plans are to:

1. sleep
2. Read any book I can get my hands on
3. have a movie night at home so I dont have to go out
4. buy a video game and just start tweaking out again
5. relax =]

Dont be like me, If your in pain rest. rest immediately or it will get worse

Songs 3

The kids by B.o.B,

Drug boy said it's show time

Streets don't give a damn

They filled with such pollution

The kids don't stand a chance

We're trapped inside the matrix

Forced to play our hand

We're fill with so much hatred

The kids don't stand a chance

I said the kids don't, the kids don't stand, the kids don't stand a chance

I said the kids don't, the kids don't stand, the kids don't stand a chance

Well, since I was planted at birth

I abandoned my own planet and I landed on earth

As I kid I never understood what I observed

Some of it was strange but most of it disturbed me

Always in detention for the lack of my attention

You could call it deficit, really I just didn't listen

And I was always missin'

The teachers like, where is bobby simons?

But tryna get a record deal is all I can I remember

It's funny cause lookin back on the past that I had all my days in the streets tryna prove that I was bad

I still elevated to the level that i'm at

Still elevated to the level that i'm at

Drug boy said it's show time

Streets don't give a damn

They filled with such pollution

The kids don't stand a chance

We're trapped inside the matrix

Forced to play our hand

We're fill with so much hatred

The kids don't stand a chance

I said the kids don't, the kids don't stand, the kids don't stand a chance

I said the kids don't, the kids don't stand, the kids don't stand a chance

Sometimes it's hard to grow

While livin in fear of the unknown

How can he ever give love

When no love is in his heart?

A child can barely see that i

Do worry bout tomorrow

And what it beholds,

He drowns himself

Deep down in his sorrow

Will you run or will you share your light

Tell a story of the live and try

See it when we're given hope

That we know that we can grow

Drug boy said it's show time

Streets don't give a damn

They filled with such pollution

The kids don't stand a chance

We're trapped inside the matrix

Forced to play our hand

We're fill with so much hatred

The kids don't stand a chance

I said the kids don't, the kids don't stand, the kids don't stand a chance

I said the kids don't, the kids don't stand, the kids don't stand a chance

Take Me by Anberlin

The ground is shaking underneath

Now that you're here

A body skipping beats

When you appear

The world is on fire

Since you've come near

All I've ever desired

Is here with me

You're here with me

You're here with me

You're here with me

Take me as you found me

Take me as you found me

Or leave me to die

Leave me wanting

Leave me wanting

The rest of your life

Who's going to drink my blood

Now that you're gone

Who's going to right all my wrongs

Now that you're gone

Who's going to tear my flesh with a stirring sing

Now that you're gone

Woaahh

Now that you're gone

Take me as you found me

Take me as you found me

Or leave me tonight
Leave me wanting

Leave me wanting

The rest of your life

Take me as you found me

Take me as you found me

Or leave me to die

Leave me wanting

Leave me wanting

The rest of your life

Take me as you found me

Take me as you found me

Or leave me to die

Leave me wanting

Leave me wanting

The rest of your life

The rest of your life

You leave me stranded

Now that you're gone

Don't leave me stranded

Out here all alone

Take me as you found me

Take me as you found me

Or leave me tonight

Leave me wanting

Leave me wanting

The rest of your life

Take me as you found me

Take me as you found me

Or leave me to die

Leave me wanting

Leave me wanting

The rest of your life

you know

you know i never thought it would be this hard to read a book. the book isnt bad or anything it just connects too much to whats happening in my life right now. I want to be more determined in life, I want to know what the hell im going to do with my life. I just want to know. Maybe you know what youre going to be doing in life, but me I know nothing.People always say to live in the moment and to just enjoy life, my grandma told me those words so hell yea Im gonna listen to her. I enjoy life, I know their are people who love me, who can make me smile, who can make me cry tears of joy. Those people are the reason why I dont want to leave home. "Home is where the heart is" a small line from the book Im reading and I believe it. No matter how much we hate where we grew up or who we grew up with, it made us who we are. Its who we are that people fall in love with. Finding something thats right, our souldmate. I believe in love, I truly do. The greeks taught us about the different types of love we can have for a person(i paid attention in class :] I believe that those who truly deserve love will find love in the most pure form. The love of that one person who makes everything click, the pereson you cant live without, that person just makes everything right. I have friends who can do those things for me. But I havent found that one person who can do it all. I havent done anything in my life, so love shouldnt come knocking on my door anytime soon. I can wait for my one person who does it alll. I wont be blind to love, if it comes knocking on my door im gonna welcome love and keep it close. So you never know when loves gonna come.

Im currently sitting outsife of my house right now at 1046 pm. its a beautiful night, me looking at the stars wonder "what time will tell"  The word butterflies came into my head, I used to get butterflies talking to someone I had a crush on. I would smile this goofy grin whenever I had the chance to talk to that person. It was just fun to talk. For a second I wished it would go somewhere, you know be something more thean just friends. But it was a stupid wish to make, I knew it wouldnt go anywhere, but that stupid thought left my head as soon as we talked more. I was a sucker for a hello, that hello that would bring the butterflies to my stomach and that goofy grin to my face. You know what happens next right? I lost contact with that person, we just stopped talking. there were probably a million things i could have done, things i should have done. But if i even tried to do anything I knew i would get hurt in the end. You know what Im thinking though? Im a dumbass. I saved myself from the heartache but I lost a friend. I lost a Platontic liove I had with someone. Losing a friend that makes you smile like that, just sucks. I get how a friend feels now, I know that sounds pretty dicks but yeah. I get the pain, and hate it. I wish I could rewind time and give them better advice. cause the bullshit that came out of my mouth to make them feel better isnt doing shit for me right now.

You know that one friend you have that gives you the most perfect advice that makes you feel better? it will never be me, Im just a friend who will hug you when you need it, will just sit there in the silence when you need it, just a shoulder to lean on. But to give advice that will give someone hope, that for sure is never gonna be me.

all this rambling from reading a couple of my book, this book is just one of those books that hit too close to him. It makes you think about what you dont want to think about and you for some reason love it for that very reason. It makes you remember the good and the bad, remember your living in the present and makes you wonder about your future. I never know whats gonna happen in my future no one really knows. we just have to fall into the darkness and wait for the hands of faith to drop us off where we're suppose to be. Just fall and life will pick you right back up, giving you reasons to live.

At the end of every post なんくるないさ comes into my head. maybe its because deep down I know everything will be alright and that whatever happens, just happens.

Life 10

I guess it was worth the 50 cents...but only for the first couple seconds of the ride.

at an xmas party. having fun



we never have a chance to wear this kind of clothes in hawaii so we had fun dressing up in the middle of the store =]



Merry Chirstmas

Merry Christmas everyone :D

Songs 2

Im in an iffy mood right now, no ones home and I plugged my ipod to my speakers and am now blasting my music to the point where im sure my neighbors will come knocking on my door to complain about the noise.

Im playing right now Yeah 3x by Chris Brown

[Verse 1]

Move your body, out on the floor

Put your troubles aside

And start living

Anybody can let go

Throw away all your problems

Coz right now it's party time

Girl don't feel outta place

Coz I, I'm in love with this feeling now

And I, I, hope that this will last a while

We should make it last a while

You like to drink, so do we

Get more bottles, bring 'em to me

Hold your glasses up, people everywhere

Now everybody put your hands in the air say

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

Girl I wanna

Yeah, yeah, yeah

I wanna see you tonight

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Girl I gotta, I gotta, I gotta

I gotta see you tonight

Oh oh, oh woh oh oh

Oh oh, let me see your hands

Oh oh, oh woh oh oh

Oh oh, tonight is the night

Lost in the moment

Can't believe you're so beautiful

Feels like I'm in a dream

Baby we're going

Somewhere you've never been before

So take my hand and come with me

Girl don't feel outta place

Coz I, I'm in love with this feeling now

And I, I, hope that this will last a while

We should make it last a while

You like to drink, so do we

Get more bottles, bring 'em to me

Hold your glasses up, people everywhere

Now everybody put your hands in the air say

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

Girl I wanna

Yeah, yeah, yeah

I wanna see you tonight

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Girl I gotta, I gotta, I gotta

I gotta see you tonight

Oh oh, oh woh oh oh

Oh oh, let me see your hands

Oh oh, oh woh oh oh

Oh oh, tonight is the night

All the pretty young things in the party

Let me see your hands up

And if they mad and they don't wanna party

Tell 'em

So DJ turn it loud

And watch me turn it up

Don't worry bout it we here to party

So jump, jump, jump, jump

Girl I wanna

I wanna see you tonight

Yeah, Yeah

Girl I gotta, I gotta, I gotta

I gotta see you tonight

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

Tonight is the night

honestly that song made my mood slightly better. but then the next song kinda killed it again

Like we used to by Rocket to the Moon (a beautiful song, but not a good song to listen to when im this kinda iffy mood)

I can feel her breath as she's sleeping next to me

Sharing pillows and cold feet

She can feel my heart, fell asleep to its beat

Under blankets and warm sheets

If only I could be in that bed again

If only it were me instead of him

Does he watch your favorite movies?

Does he hold you when you cry?

Does he let you tell him all your favorite parts?

When you've seen it a million times

Does he sing to all your music

While you dance to "Purple Rain"?

Does he do all these things

Like I used to?

14 months and 7 days ago

Oh, I know you know how we felt about that night

Just your skin against the window

But we took it slow and we both know

It shoulda been me inside that car

It should have been me instead of him in the dark

Does he watch your favorite movies?

Does he hold you when you cry?

Does he let you tell him all your favorite parts

When you've seen it a million times?

Does he sing to all your music

While you dance to 'Purple Rain'?

Does he do all these things

Like I used to?

I know, love

(Well, I'm a sucker for that feeling)

Happens all the time, love

(I always end up feeling cheated)

You're on my mind, love

(Oh sorta let her when I need it)

That happens all the time, love, yeah

Will he love you like I loved you?

Will he tell you everyday?

Will he make you feel like you're invincible

With every word he'll say?

Can you promise me if this was right?

Don't throw it all away

Can you do all these things?

Will you do all these things

Like we used to?

Oh, like we used to

so after 11 songs after these two, my neighbor called me and asked me to turn down the music. I did and Im just probably gonna blow out my earphones sooner or later. glad I have the cheap ones and not just my bose ones.

good night

fck the distance

yeah it sucks right now. a friend could use me and im stuck here. jakes mom has cancer, he needs a buddy and im stuck here. just being stuck on an island sucks. nuff.said.

Life 9

winter break is looking great so far =]. lots of ups and little downs.

Finals pretty much sucked last week, had to wait 40 minutes in line to check in to take my final, then wait an hour and a half to take the final and then it took me an hour and 14 minutes to finish my final. It sucked but I passed it with a B so I passed the class with a B. it was math so for me thats awesome =] worked pretty much 5 days in a row, would have been okay if we didnt have so much customers.

I am done christmas shopping and officially broke xD

I explained sunday. still pure awesome

So its monday and I had nothing planned. couldnt really do much anyways because of a killer headahce. I bought food for my sisters and I. althoguh i forgot to buy food for kalen so I had to go to a mcdonalds and pick her up some food. I get to hang out with my best friend on wednesday hopefully xD i just have to think of something that we want to do.

So a friend of mine told me that "she burnt her toungue on cereal. its fruity peppbles. always does that. unless its soft cuz of the milk its too whatevers and it scrapes the top of my mouth and makes it feel like when i burn it when eating something really hot.""those text messages made my day =]  literally had a facepalm moment. told my sister what she said and she started lauging and called her crazy. but we're all crazy on the insisde so its okay. now if she would just admit that herself we'll be all set. I know shes gonna read this eventually too sssoo admit that your crazy already =]

tonights a lunar eclipse hope you all saw it

what I learned

Today I learned a lot. I learned that people will come to subway when its pouring rain. It was raining pretty damn hard today, I wouldnt want to drive in todays weather but a lot of people did today. it was crazy. But I had fun =] I had to wrap a couple of gifts today and since I didnt have any paper, I had to use the subway wrappers. it turned out pretty great lol. I also learned that everyone at the barnes and nobles cafe close to me knows what drink I like to get, they just have to ask if i want it hot or cold. I love it.

I need to cheer my friend up somehow, dont know what Im gonna do. but shes always there for me and I hope Im always there for her.

I fell for the wrong girl tonight. nuff said

Tonight. tonight was just fcking awesome!!! lol I learned the definition of LMAO tonight xD hahahahahahaha I need another repeat of tonight, I literally cried laughing. it was just one of those nights that make you enjoy life and not want to screw it up.

toy story. doesnt matter. all of them, just pure awesome

what I want to learn though. is how to make people believe in love.

Today is the day

today is the last day of my first semester of college and Im spending it taking a math final. Oh joy xP I hope I pass this one, if not...oh wells. I hope I have a lot of good luck, cause I think im gonna need it in about an hour or two

gggaaahhh

So im at school right now thinking about my bio final that starts in about an hour, and I AM FREAKING OUT!!! I hope I do okay on this final... if not... I dont even want to think about it. all i want to think about is having a mini party with my friends tonight to celebrate that finals are over!!! thursday is the official day the semester is done, but I have work thursday so we're hanging out today to celebrate and do semi stupid things. Hope we dont get into too much trouble, cause I have another final tomrrow =P.


What sucks though is that in the back of my head, I keep on thinking about my friends on the mainland and how Im stuck on an island and theyre so far away from me. They need more than my voice to help them, just yeah. I miss certain people or person right now and it sucks. You know what else sucks? that when a person talks about love and how they cant find that one person, all Im thinking in my head is; why not fcking open your eyes and let me be that person. yeah nuff said gotta get back to studying

again nankurunaisa I guess

Finals are killing me

*sigh* Two finals tomorrow. Bio and history. History should be easy, but biology...omg I hate that class xD actually I hate the subject not the class. too  much information that wont stay in my head. Working today killed me, I dont have any more motivation right now to study and Im debating if i should just go sleep.

today

I think today was just THE perfect day of ups and downs. For every happy moment I had a sad moment, for every sad moment, there was a happy moment. its days like this that makes me believe in karma. The best way for me to wake up is the cold and the rain combined, in Hawaii its like snow to us. Cold weather and rain is just an awesome combination. Its just too bad I couldnt cuddle in bed and sleep the day away but I had to get to school and do some serious studying in math or I would fail my final. The fun part of that  though, is that after 2 hours of studying the power goes out in school. My classmates and I decicde to go carboard slidding on the wet grass and just have fun. It took about an hour for the power to go back on, and I passed my quiz that will help me for my final so Im pretty happy about that.

It seemed like everywhere I went the power would go on and off. It was quite funny. power went out at school, when I had to go home to get my uniform at work, barnes and nobles, and then at work. Im glad it was only for a couple of minutes.

There are always people complaining about there work enviornment or their coworkers, Im one of them. but today was not even close to that. today was just a super chill day, easy prep work, fun conversations, boss made us food, and a hell of a lot of laughs. Its just too hard to explain all the moments. The only down part of work is that someone stole money from our tip jar... the weird thing though is that he didnt take all the money in the jar. just like four dollars, honestly if I were him I would have stolen our whole jar...But oh well, still made $6 tip in one night, for a subway thats good.

My friends bought me my apex 37 I love them to death! it is such an awesome board, and I swear if a stupid tourist tries to run me over I will make them buy me a new board. Its too bad its raining too much. not gonna risk getting hurt. my bluetooth isnt working so I'll post a picture later of my board. Love it.

So I am laying in bed waiting to get tired. Just writing this random post and listening to any songs my ipod choses to play for me. My ipod loves me and knows what best lol. so lay in bed, put your ipod on shuffle and go with whatever song plays. with this I say goodnight

Math

HATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEAHTEHATEHATEHAHTEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATE

I know hate is a strong word...but I hate math =P nuff said

sighs

"If I ever end up in the hospital again, I dont want any visitors" my uncle said those words today. how do you respond to this? my uncle was in a serious tone. I just stared at him and walked out. My family was in the room so he wasnt alone at least. I guess I know he doesnt mean it, but still the fact that he told us to stay away, just hurt.

Do you know?

Do you know the story of the thousand paper cranes? I learned about this story in elementary school, when we were learning how to make origami.. The Japanese legend promises that anyone who folds a thousand paper cranes will be granted a wish by a crane. Most people wish for a cure for their illness or just a quick and speedy recovery. I learned more about this legend when we were learning about the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, a lot of kids would fold the cranes so that they or their family members would get better from their injuries. I didn't believe in the legend at first and just forgot all about it.

I used to go to the hospital a lot to keep my grandma company while she was getting her chemo. I was pretty bored, I didn't want to do any of my homework so I fell behind in school. books were just a turn off because they would have a happy ending, music helped but i would just stare at my grandma when she was laying in bed. I honestly needed something else to distract me. A nurse noticed how agitated I was most of the time, she just knew there were other family members like me wishing they could do something. She gave me some origami paper and told me to get busy. I did. I made everything i knew how to make. Paper planes, frogs, dogs, cats, flowers, hats, and cranes. It took me a long while to remember the legend, and once I did...I just went at it.

My sisters Megan and kalen found out what I was doing and decided to help out. I made around 600 before they realized what i was doing and they helped me finish the rest. A thousand paper cranes later, I made the wish hoping, praying, and believing that this would work. that my grandma would be cured of her cancer and would be able to see me grow up into the woman she wanted me to be. It worked. It fcking worked....for about seven months, my grandma was diagnosed with a different cancer. I don't regret those seven months. Having my grandma home every night getting better, growing her hair back. It was fcking awesome. But when she told us the news that she was diagnosed again.I disappeared for a while. I didn't want to go through that all over again, how do you endure two years of watching your loved be so sick that she cant go home, to getting all better coming home forgetting the past two years, and THEN it all comes back again. wtf.

I was a bad grand daughter at the time, I wouldn't go home so that I wouldn't see my grandma so sick. I would stay over at a friends house, wander around the neighborhood or just sit outside the house until I was needed. One night my grandma broke her leg doing something, we rushed her to the hospital and got her all fixed up. that day was another wake up point for me, and probably the turning point of my grandmas life. It went downhill from there.

A couple months later.... my grandma passed away, at home in her bed. I stayed home that night for my family and the next morning. When I had the courage to go upstairs, the first thing i saw was the cranes. Those stupid paper cranes that gave me hope. Like in Gena Showalters books...hope is demon. hope will kill you in the end, a slow painful kill.I ended up taking my car and driving around, I ended up going to a park that I always go to to forget things. I burned the cranes. I just stared at them watching them burn, wishing things were different as usual. I haven't made a crane since then, don't think I have the heart to make one.

My friend told me she was making cranes, and I just remembered everything. My cousins know I made the cranes, and I'm wondering if they'll do the same thing. I'm not going to tell them to not do it. I had 7 months of my grandma being healthy. I'll never regret that time. Maybe my uncle will get better. maybe not. hope will dissapoint sooner or later, Im just glad I had seven months. I hope my uncle gets better, my cousins need him . なんくるないさ I guess.

Songs

Bullet for my Valentine: Heart burst into Fire

I'm coming home
I've been gone for far too long

Do you remember me at all?
I'm leaving

Have I fucked things up again?

I'm dreaming

Too much time we'd have to spend

It hurts, wounds so sore

Now I'm torn, now I'm torn

I've been far away

When I see your face

My hearts burst into fire

Hearts burst into fire

You're not alone

I know I'm far from home

Do you remember me at all?

I'm leaving

Do you wait for me again?

I'm screaming

No more days we'd have to spend

It hurts, wounds so sore

Now I'm torn, now I'm torn

I've been far away

When I see your face

My hearts burst into fire

Hearts burst into fire

My beds become so lonely

No arms or sheets to hold me

Has this world stopped turning?

I'll wait forever to be apart, forever to be apart

It hurts, wounds so sore

Now I'm torn, now I'm torn

I've been far away

When I see you face

My hearts burst into fire

Hearts burst into fire

I'm coming home

I've been gone for far too long

Do you remember me at all?

Do you remember me at all?

I'm leaving

I'm screaming

I'm dreaming

My hearts burst into fire

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PT8gcZh_42w the best cover Ive heard of Just a Dream

Sitting here

Guess its time for another random post.

Im sitting in the hospital keeping my uncle company since I have no school or work on Fridays. Im in a different hospital than the one my grandma used to go to, so it feels weird being here. I got lost earlier trying to buy some food, took me a while to get back but I got here. I probably shouldnt be eating ice cream in front of my uncle since hes not allowed to...but I need some comfort food. Mutliple myleyoma is what my uncle has. its the reason why he was having some kidney issues and some back pain. its all symptoms. he basically has cancer. it can be treated since it was found right away and my uncle has had good health before this. I should be happy about this right? my uncle has a chance of getting better, so why am I not happy?

Im wondering whats gonna change. Im wondering if Im going to blow off my friends again to come stay in the hospital. Im wondering can i talk to them about this? Im wondering if I can be stronger for my uncle than how I was with my grandma. Im wondering where to start.

I miss the old hospital, it was familiar there. Here. I dont know where anything is, I dont know the nurses, I dont know a place where i could go outside and still be close to my uncle. The food here sucks too.

Blah

One of my friends favorite word is blah. and right now its the one word that just pops into my head. there are just too many things in life right now making me grow up. making me remember. making me wish things were different. making me wish I had no regrets. But no one can change the past. we can forgive and forget and just move on in life. But there is nothing we can do to change things that have already happened. I know I cant change anything, and like the spoiled brat I am, I complain like theres no tomorrow. I just sit their and nag my life away. I need to fcking step up more. I need grow up and realize. Life is trying to push me down and keep me down.

The same friend showed me this link:  http://megansfairy-tale.blogspot.com/
and it made me cry, remember, and realize what I have.

BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH

なんくるないさ

I plan on getting the title of this post around my ankle. It basically means whatever happens, happens or everything will be alright. My friends think that matches me perfectly, but right now I dont see it that way. My grandma went trhough four years of cancer, and she passed away this January. If your a follower you know I miss her, and Im still not over it. If my teachers in school decide to use cancer as an example for something I somehow tune everything out wirhout even knowing it. My classmate even decided to make a cancer joke and I just told him to shut the fck up and walked out of class...today should be fun seeing him again...  I cant even be in a hospital and go crazy trying not to remember. Last night I found out my uncle has cancer now too. We dont know how serious it is, but still hearing that another loved one in my family has cancer, just fcking sucks. How can I say everything will be alright. How can I say whatever happens, happens. You know what else fcking sucks, some hospitals wont let kids under the age of 12 to go in the patient rooms, my uncles daughter my cousin is only 11 years old. She couldnt go in to see her father, she couldnt be there for him, she didnt understand what was going on. I want to say that everything will be alright. I really do. But Im not strong enough to say those words, because Im still not alright.