Her happy place? Is the drive I take home every time I pick her up from work. Her happy place is the route my dad used to drive me around to cheer me up or make me fall asleep at night. Her happy place is one of my happy places. 

When someone asked me about my happy place in front of her. I lied. I said "Having a midnight skate session during the full moon with the wind blowing behind me." Which is true and not true. My current happy place? Thinking back to that time when we were laying in my bed, going through my ipods pictures and videos. We were like that for an hour maybe and I was happy. I had her in my arms and I was happy. That is my happy place. I could never tell her that because she doesn't belong to me.She never really did. 

Caring for someone when you shouldn't. How do I stop? I know she will NEVER be mine anymore. I won't interfere with her relationship anymore. I can't. not again. 

"You still love her don't you?" I ask myself that question every single day. 

I was finally able to tell her how I felt and it made me the happiest girl in the world. I was able to tell the person I thought I could fall in love with how I truly felt. 

She just didn't feel the same way. She betrayed me. She made me look like a fool and this post is going to be very repetitive of my other posts but I need to say it over and over again so that it will get through to me. 

Even when I tell others why we aren't friends anymore I can't find myself truly hating her. When they tell me to kick her out of my house I can't say I will. I should but I can't. I still have feelings for her and I don't want to lose her. 

I wish I could just fall in love with someone else. Have them love me back and help me move on. Oh wait. I tried that last time. It worked and I ended up breaking someone's heart. I don't drink my sorrows away and I don't have sloppy make out sessions with anyone. I like to think that I take relationships seriously, that when you do ask someone to be yours you already trust them and you will find any way to fall in love with them and stay in love. Love. A word that's thrown around. It has no meaning anymore. 

If I really did love her. I would move past all of this and just be her friend. Right?

I wanted her to be the arrow and I be the target. Not the other way around. Guys have chosen her and she said yes. I wanted her to ask me so that I know she wants me and she will fight for me. Is that so much to ask for?

I guess it was. I say that because any person who ever did love me at one point in life wouldn't have treated me the way they did. The deal breaker for all of this? SHE MADE ME TELL HER BOYFRIEND THAT I LIKED HER! I didn't know he was her boyfriend at the time. Looking back on that day. I shouldn't love her anymore.

But I do.

I don't mean anything to her, but she still means something to me?

I know I don't love Sasha anymore, but I did love whatever friendship we did have. For a month I had the girl I loved and my best friend living with me. She didn't know anything about how I felt but I felt like the happiest girl in the world. Sure I was confused as fuck how I felt about this girl but I did chose the friendship before she did reject me. It's just hard to remember that since she betrayed me as the person I called my best friend.

We honestly didn't have the best friendship in the world. We didn't trust each other to keep ourselves from falling apart. I didn't tell her anything because she had her own issues to worry about and I wanted her to get over those issues. Sasha did the same for me. Maybe if we had trusted each other more we wouldn't be in the situation we are now?

Not loving someone is the easy part of life, getting over the loss of a relationship is the hardest part.
maybe this would be easier if Sasha would move out of my house...

FUCK! i've written three different sentences before this one and I can't find out how to start this.

I.fucked.up.

I vented to a lot of people about all of this and I get that you would get mad at that. I should have talked to you instead of talking to everyone else. I should have kept it between us. But I couldn't. you were the last person I had wanted to talk to. I was so hurt by all of this. So I vented to the people I trust the most. I vented everything. I told them what I held special in our friendship, I told them what I wanted to ask you, I told them the moment where I knew our friendship would start and I told them the first time I knew I was starting to fall in love with you. I told them everything and I understand how that would hurt you, but honestly? Where have you been? I understand that you have work and I have school, but there is time for us to talk and we just don't. 

We're letting each other walk out of each others lives with a billion things left unsaid. We're letting three years of friendship disappear. We're suppressing memories that people wish they could have. I'm not fighting for this friendship and neither are you. 

Are you not around because you still care for me too much? Do you hate me? Am I not allowed to see you because Andrew knows I have feelings for you? I fucked up didn't I?

This is a fucking two way street and you know what? I'm done trying to fix this. I know I'm putting in effort and you aren't.

We were both shitty friends in certain aspects of our life. But I still call you my best friend. You treated me like another option instead of your best friend and that's what hurts me the most. It hurts that I know you couldn't talk to me, it hurts that you couldn't tell I was hurting, it hurts when I think of all the times you should have told me, it hurts knowing that things will probably never be the same.

You don't care if I disappear... Your actions proved me right on that one. So why should I care if you disappear? 

In my opinion you're purposely pushing me away. Making me try to move on. I don't understand why though... 

I want to fight for this friendship. But I need to know that I mean something to you...

Guess we'll never know huh?

I woke up from my nap. crying. I looked at the bed next to mine and wondered if things would ever be the same. Everything I do lately reminds me of her.
I cant drive in the car without thinking "when is the next time we're going to drive around the island?" I miss those nights when she drove me around, I drove her around and we just had each others company. It was one of those things I loved about our friendship. But you know what changed that? She invited Andrew to come with us one night. I fucking hated every moment of it. Driving around the island was our thing, or at least to me it was... I know they've gone around the island together and it just hurts knowing that. What I once held special to my heart is being ripped away.
I saw this random couple being cute together today at school and then the guy hugged his girl from behind. I wanted to cry. I miss doing that with Sasha. I used to hold her from behind at any moment and now? I'm trying to hold myself from falling apart.
Just every little thing is getting to me.
The songs I have, the places I go to, the food I eat and the memories I have. It all hurts.
I want another rejection. I want her to tell me to get the fuck out of her life and I will... the thing though... If she tells me to stay... I will.
Not because I'm wrapped around her finger like some people have been saying, but because I valued the little things that made up our friendship. I miss her as my friend. I miss her.

"Is she really your best friend or the girl that you've loved for the past three years?"
I honestly couldn't answer this question. I couldnt answer the question why I loved her as a person and why she was my best friend.
When I got home all I could think about the memories that we shared together and honestly? It's more of the person I've loved for the past three years rather than my best friend.
what moment made her my best friend? It was the day my grandma had passed away. She was there to comfort me even though we had just met a couple months before. Just that one moment has made me stay her friend over all these years.
I've been through so much drama because of her and I have even lost some friends. At the time she was worth it, it was just a no brainer for me. This girl was my best friend and I was in love with her.
I loved the way she would hold me from behind, and I loved doing the same for her. I love how we act like creepers together. I loved that she understood that driving around or being driven around makes me feel better. I love the way we eat at RaiRai's. I love how cute she can be, her weirdness and her sense of humor.
I guess most of what I just listed were things as a lover and not a best friend. I have never not liked this girl. She has always been in the back of my mind in all of my relationships over the years. Heck I fucked up a relationship because I still had feelings for her.
Ive never gotten to know her as a friend I guess?
I have the hardest time telling her how I sometimes. I want to ask her "What do I mean to you" that's all I want to know.
I do still lover her but I will move on and forget about her. What she did to me as a lover I will never forgive her for.
As a best friend? as the girl who was there for me when the most important person in my life passed away? I should drop her out of my life.
Its just fucking hard. Having her there every day of my life to not being around at all? its like a piece of myself is going to be missing.
My family calls her my other half and its true. We've always been together and now we're not. Soon they're going to ask what happened and I will say shes not my best friend anymore.
She's not the girl I should love and she lost me as her best friend...
I've come to that conclusion but will I keep it? probably not.
I know in the back of my mind that when she does fall I will be there to pick her up.
The past me will show up, pick her up and leave.

I honestly do miss her, but more than anything I miss my old group of friends. I miss how close we all used to be. I miss seeing all of them everyday and us not doing anything.
I miss them playing magic while I did homework. They made me feel safe and not alone. They arent the best of friends but they were there.
I know that she is partially the reason why we all dont hang out together anymore. I know everything that shes done, I've been through everything shes done and I should have walked away a long time ago.
She doesnt care if I disappear. She doesn't care that I'm hurting so much. She doesn't trust me.
I care if I disappear. I dont want to hurt this much. I dont trust her anymore?
I still love her.
what annoys me the most. Is that I fucking trust her with everything, but I dont tell her how I felt because I know shes going through worse shit than I am. I would always be there for her but I never wanted her to be there for me because I felt that she couldnt handle it. I want her to get better and not have to worry about me. I always tried to put her first.
When I was with Kelsie I couldnt stop thinking about Sasha. It wasnt fair to Kelsie. So i broke my relationship with Sasha and you know what? she didnt care. She didnt try to ask what was wrong. She just let things disappear. This whole thing was always a one way thing wasnt it? I called her one of my best friends, but did she ever do the same for me? Probably not.
I know in my heart what she means to me. I want her to be my friend, I want her to be a legit best friend and I want people to KNOW that we are each others best friend.
I want her to fight for me. I want her to realize what shes missing. I want her to reach rock bottom and realize that I will be there to fucking pick her back up. I wont kick her when shes down. I wont judge. I'll do what I usually do.
I'll be there.
She knows everything about me. If she needs me she knows where to find me.
I wont do the fighting anymore. I am a person who knows what shes worth. If she cant see it then fuck it.

I cared about her, as a person I could love, as a person and as my best friend, but now? I really don't give a fuck. As a best friend she shouldn't have led me on like she did for a whole month, there was no reason for them to hold back anything from me. If they had both just told me i wouldnt be hurting this much, I wouldn't have spent an entire month asking for advice to see if it was worth it to tell her how I feel. If they had just told me I wouldnt be crying so much, I would hurt less, I would have more hours of sleep and honestly I would have two more friends on my list of friends. \
We were suppose to have a talk today just us for three hours. We didnt do that. I needed the talk. I needed to ask her again as to why she did that to me. What am i to her? Why do you put yourself in these situations? Are you trying to push me away? Are you really engaged to him already? Do you still trust me? Did you ever trust me?
I called her my best friend but maybe the whole thing was one sided. She never trusted to tell me anything about her life. If that one time she did it was to just scare me away. I'm so mad at her right now. And I know that after all shes done to me I should drop her from my life. Save me the pain, the drama and the time, but I cant. I used to call her my best friend for a reason. I still remember those reasons. But they sound more like a reason as to why I liked her.
When she rejected me she didnt reject me as her best friend. She rejected me as another option.
I'm tired of all of this.
just tired.

take her surfing

go to the zoo

take her to the secret beach

Ice palace

Once I realized that I still loved Sasha and wanted to do something about it, I planned out dates for us. I asked friends for help, asked for the hook-up, asked to borrow cars and asked for their support. I got all of it from them, and now I have to tell them I don't need it anymore. Don't need it because I should have held my feelings in. I knew she wasn't over any of her ex's and I told her how I felt, I knew she was having a hard time with something. That something, just happened to be me. I was the person who didnt realize that she was already going out with someone. I was the idiot who doesnt want to accept it. I am the idiot who let their heart win. 

She's giving me space by staying at his house but honestly that just makes me feel worse. I want to be the one to move on and get my own space. Not her hand it to me. you know? 

To fix our friendship we're suppose to have a venting session once a week. No hold backs. But can I honestly do that? Can I tell her that I hate her for making me look like an idiot, I hate her for making me hate all of the happy memories I have with her, I hate her for making me fall out of love with her and maybe this friendship. Trust. How could she not trust me with the truth? She assumed I would hate her and forget about her. She just made an ass out of herself and yeah. I cant. 

But I made a promise I wouldnt disappear. I wont break that promise... Even if it does kill me.

So all the past couple of posts of my personal life anywhere make me look like a fucking fool. They've been going out for a month now. She let me confess to her and said nothing about him. Nothing. I am so mad right now. Is it so hard for her to tell me how she feels? Is it so hard to reject me? I understand she used to like me too and doesnt want me as a girlfriend because she doesnt want to lose my friendship. But honestly her hiding this shit from me makes me want to break off this friendship. What kind of best friend does this shit? I talked to her and him a combined total of five times saying I liked her and that I would want to try something. They still didnt tell me they were together. I feel like a fucking idiot. I saw the signs that they liked each other but I never really thought they were going out yet. If they had just told me I would have backed off. I always back off whenever she is in a romantic relationship with anyone.
It would have been easier to move on. I wouldnt have told her how I felt. I should have kept my feelings in. I should have never had told her. All those nights I spent wondering how she feels about me. All those days asking friends for advice on what I should do. pointless. There was no way I could have saved myself.
I want to trust her. I want her to still be my best friend. I want her to be part of my life. But I finally, after three years of loving her got my rejection. Three years of falling in love with this girl and now I have to drop my feelings. I will move on. I will find someone else who will return my feelings. I will find a way to trust her again. I will find a way to be happy for her and be happy myself.
Thats all I've ever wanted for her. I guess after three years of holding back thats what I was worried about the most. Will I be able to make her happy?
She chose someone else to make her happy. It was her decision and I will respect it.
I'll hold back on the constant texts that we always used to have. I will miss holding her from behind the most. Miss loving her. I have to stop dreaming of us ever having something. I have to stop loving her.

So now I'm stuck wondering what do I love more; the friendship or the hopes of having a relationship. I found out that my ex does like her and he doesn't know that I like her back. It was a very awkward car ride. He wants to tell her how he feels about her but doesn't know what to do because of all the shit that she is going through. I told him what I'm telling myself. "Let her be the one to choose. Don't rush her into anything and let this be about her" I hope he takes my advice because honestly I'm not sure if I want to let go the chance of me being with her. If she chooses a person then we will know its her choice and yeah.

Feelings

you know what happened? I confessed. In the worst moment ever. It was a quick answer as to why I was trying to be distant again, it was when we weren't alone and it was when she was hurt. I'm pathetic. First it takes me three years to tell her how I feel, second I admitted my feelings in the worst possible moment and third I'm still jealous of her and my ex being so close. I hate it. I want to disappear like I did all those other times but I dont want to hurt her. Did I mention that she confessed to me too. She liked me back at one point in time she just didn't want to scare me away too. How could she not tell? I would disappear when she was with someone else. It was so hard for me to see her happy with these other guys. If she was happy I pulled back my feelings and when she needed me I would be there like a love sick puppy.
When she told me she liked me back the other night I was ecstatic and depressed at the same time. She said liked me. Liked. Past tense. I couldn't fall asleep after that. Just laying there with her right next to me. A dumb fucking idiot who could have done something but didn't. An idiot who could have been happy and wouldn't spend half the night worrying about the what if's and being jealous of everything.
She probably doesn't remember anything I said that night or maybe she was lying about what she said that night just to make me feel better. A lie to spare me the pain of getting hurt. those are the best kind of lies right? What do I want out of any of this? Do i want to try and be happy with her  or should I try and keep the things the way they are now?
I want to ask her what she remembers. What she wants. But im too much of a chicken shit to ask her. I cant and wont unless she starts the conversation. She should be the one who chooses me and I should be the one who should be chosen. Or at least that's what I want. I want to give her that power to create her own happiness and if its not with me then I guess it wasnt meant to be. "Nankurunaisa" means everything in the end will be alright. Im waiting for an end of all these unanswered questions and the start of something new. Is that too much to ask for?
I have to pull back somehow and let her choose, without disappearing from her life. She said she hated whenever I did that too her. If she wasnt lying about it last night, I don't know if she remembers it but I promised her that I wouldn't disappear anymore. I dont intend to break that promise.
It felt amazing telling her how I felt that night and hearing her say the samethings back made me feel a hell of a lot better. But if she doesnt remember it then whatever. I'll suck it up and be my normal self again. I'll try and find someone who will love me back and hopefully she'll find someone for herself.
I've cried about this way too many times over the three years that I've known her. I want to be happy. I dont want to hold myself back from anyone anymore. As soon as I know what she wants, I will move on. I wont hold her back and I hope she does the same for me.

I hope she would just read everything I post but that's too easy. Like I said if she brings it up I'll tell her everything and we'll see how all of this will end. "Nankurunaisa" right?

You wanna know how this happened? I want to know how this happened. Three years of friendship, three years of holding back how I feel. That one person has always been in the back of my mind. Ive had relationships and so has she. She hasnt been my main crush for all these years but she has always been my best friend. I know I put myself in the friend zone, fuck I'm the mother my group of friends. There has always been someone in her life that she cares about as a lover. How do you admit your feelings when you know she likes someone else. I never understood how anyone else did that. 

I tried telling her how I felt before she left but someone else beat me to the punch. Wasnt that pathetic? She returned that persons feelings and all I did was be a good friend and support her decision in whatever she chose. I sat back while others had the chance to experience the one thing i could never have. And when they screwed up i felt relieved like the douche that I am. 

I tried to avoid her for a little while. Then shit happened. She's my best friend and I like to think that I'm her best friend too. I left her when she needed me and I felt like shit. It was like a scene out of a movie, where one little mistake happens and everything just blows up in your face. 

Do you have any idea how hard it is not to bitch at the people who screw up and make her feel like shit? Do you have any idea how hard it is not to tell her how I feel? Do you have any idea how much I hate it when those people dont understand the simple things about her and how they want her to change? Fuck. Just fuck. 

The only way I would ever confess my feelings if I know that she's over all those other guys. I could never confess unless I know that if I do somehow screw this up that I might lose my best friend. I will always want this girl to be a part of my life and I hated that small time that I didnt talk to her. 

Nankurunaisa. Everything in the end will be fine. that is what I try to live by and thats all I can say right now. 

I need to back the fuck up and realize that she will only be my best friend. I dont want to lose her and if that makes me unhappy then yeah its worth it. right? I need to tell all that i just wrote to someone. Typing it here is great and all but saying it outloud to someone would make me feel alot better. 

just fuck

I feel like I'm losing one of my best friends. I try to talk to her but I always always get one word answers. I guess I was just that one person to keep her occupied while her other friends were busy. I would always reply as fast as I could but with me working everyday and taking harder classes at school. I just don't have as much time as I used to.

It sucks.

Then there's that one person. Who I've come to realize I may have liked  more than a friend these past couple of years. I would love to be with that person but there's always someone in the picture. always. I don't want to cause drama and have them chose. I want to be the one they chose not the chooser. Does that make sense?

One more person is always on my mind. I wish i could be with her but I cant.

How do you give advice to someone who's almost in the same situation as you were, and had the worst ending possible? Finding out that your loved one has cancer. Doctors saying they have high hopes that the surgery will take care of everything... Doctors are the reincarnation of the Demon of Hope. Hope just fucks everything up sometimes. I had hope my grandma would get better and get rid of her cancer. Hope let me feel a moment of peace but threw me into the fire yet again. Cancer is a demon that is in love with hope and follows it around like a love sick puppy.

Knowing that other people are in the same situation as I am, just sucks. I have no advice to give them. I dont want to give them hope, when they need it the most because when it disappears its the worst feeling in the world. 

Random Thought

What did I just do? I'm going to regret and everything I just said. I hope speaking my mind won't destroy our friendship or whatever it is that we have.

I'm writing a paper about my grandma and I'm trying really hard not to cry in class. I thought this would be easy but its killing me. I want to make this an amazing paper but I don't want anyone to peer review my paper.

*sighs*

Cancer

My uncle passed away yesterday and it was a shock to us all. We had just saw him the past Sunday and he was smiling and laughing with the rest of us, and it was his 25th wedding anniversary. I'm going to miss him like crazy and I know my cousins will too, Ann is only in the 5th grade and Brandon is a Senior in High School. It hurts losing a loved one, but what hurt more this time was that it was similar to my grandmas death. Both passing away from cancer, not being able to see us graduate, not having enough time with us. I just feel numb right now.

I missed my chance to say good bye again to a loved one and this time it was my uncle.

Proud?

My teacher apparently loves one of the essays I wrote in class and wants me to get it published, but I don't think I could. It's about my grandma and how I was weak for not being there for her and with her. I can't even imagine anyone else reading this paper.

maybe? I don't know...

feelings

I fucking like you, I wish I was with you.

I am okay with school at the moment.

Work is okay, making money is always a good thing

I love being at home

Jake is doing great in the airforce

I.like.you.fuck.this.distance.fuck.my.emotions.that.are.making.me.feel.this.way.