Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Sometimes I wish...

I love my family to death even though my mother can drive me crazy, my sisters are annoying, my cousin doesnt lock the door when hes "busy". I love my family to death, but as soon as death may be coming closer to our front door I just want to get away from them. Sometimes I wish my family wouldnt tell me everything thats going on, they always tell me the good the bad and the really ugly. Why cant my entire family be like my mom where she keeps me out of the loop and not in the loop, why cant i handle being around someone who is sick and be happy with the time i have with them now and not be sad of what i might lose. I love the fact that my family knows that i would just sit and listen to what everyone is talking about and can remember most of what they say, I love the fact that to every party I would go to I would meet someone new. Sometimes I wish that I didnt care so much about my family, if i didnt I wouldnt return home to make dinner, or watch my sisters or to even keep my grandma company.

The thing that I wish for everyday is that cancer didnt have to intertwine with my grandmas life. I dont want to be mean or selfish but i wish it had happened to someone else instead of my grandma. The grandma who taught me how to write my S in the right direction, the grandma who taught me how to cook, the grandma who would let me lye down on her stomach until i was asleep. Maybe this is someone elses wish coming true, that cancer didnt come into their families lives and instead came into mine.

I just realized that blogging helps me vent if i dont want to talk to someone directly, though sometimes i wish that I could just tell what I feel to my grandma or to my friends, but I have to wonder what their reactions might be... My friends are great to hang out with, but the friends that i feel would listen to and really listen is someone i dont want to bother. My grandma has a lot on her plate, shes gone through cancer 4 times... I dont know how she does it but man its crazy. Today was probably the worst day, I didnt want to stay home so I went to the mall with friends..and i find out that my grandma was making funeral arrangements for her and my grandpa... Im not ready for her to die, I cant lose her, I know that everyone goes once its their time or when fate is cruel... nothing really bad has ever happened to me before and if i lose her i dont know what will happen to my family or mostly what might happen with me...

So i guess what im thinking most in my head right now is to be carefully what you wish for. I hate that saying because its becoming apart of my life everyday. If you wish for something bad not to happen to you it might happen to someone else... I would never wish for anyone to go through what im going through, and hopefully no one has to. Im gonna stop rambling and just say again be careful what you wish for and that this blog sounds totally emo... XD