Tuesday, November 3, 2009

right here and right now

right here and right life sucks. I use the term "FML" a lot but this past week has been a real FML kind of moment. I decide to tell my mom about my boyfriend and she completely blows up on me. You think a mother would be happy for their daughter, but she was full on pissed off at me. She even started crying, she thought i was a slut and would get pregnant just from hugging him. My mother thinks I have no self control. no sense of responsibility, and no brain in general. If i had to describe my mom in a few short words or a word it would be asshole. People are telling me that my mom is just looking out for me and wants best for me, but right now i think that's a load of BS. My sisters in the 7Th grade and she told my mom the same exact time as me that she has a bf too, and you know what happened to her? NOTHING! not even a stern warning to watch out for guys cause they can be guys.

My mom still doesn't approve of my friends also, she thinks they are all bad influences on me. She doesn't even know my friends and whenever she says she does i just blow up on her. the only time my mom has met my friends is when she offers to give them a ride home, or she says hi to them. that's it. shes never had a meaningful conversation with my friends and i don't want her too. I know who my friends are, and she will not tell me who i can and cant hang out with. If you've met my friends, they are the best friends a person can ask for. None of us are the same, we are all different but for some reason i think we complete each other =]

My mom isn't the only problem in my life right now. I guess if you know me you would know that my grandma is the most important person to me in my house and she has always been more of a mom to me then my real mother ever has. In the past two months my grandma has been getting worse and worse. I don't know whats going on with her, i know her cancer is gone, but that left a heavy toll on her body. Sometimes i try to avoid her so that i cant remember that at any time she might leave me with a mother who never wanted me in the first place. I think it was two weeks ago, my grandma decided to hire some nurses to help take care of her from time to time. So they thought of everything and anything that we never would have thought of. they were able to get my grandma an oxygen machine, medicine to make the pain easier and just someone to keep her company when most of us aren't home. I love my grandma with all my heart and never want to lose her, but i know i will sooner or later...I'm just praying its later.

I forgot to mention that I'm grounded right now, probably for another month...My mom told me I'm grounded because i don't tell her everything and anything that's going on in my life. that is the most messed up answer Ive heard. So for the next month i basically have no social life whatsoever. No cell phone, no laptop, no going out, and my friends cant come over. On the brighter side my friend is lending me a phone that i can borrow, and i don't have to break up with my bf. Who is a really great guy for waiting this all out with me =]

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if i had a different mom. My mom drinks and from time to time she smokes. She expects me to give her respect and trust when she doesn't respect or trust me. I strongly believe that to get respect you must first give respect and earn it to keep it. Same thing goes with trust. My dad taught me that...and i know my mom still hasn't learned that with her time in life. My mom has even blamed me for everything that's happened in her life, she blames me for being born, she blames me for all the stress in her life and she blames me just for being me. After reading that you do have to wonder what my life would be like if i had a different mom.

This whole post is just for me to vent, and right now its helping a lot. Now that i think about what i wrote i sound like a brat, i know there are people out there in world who are either going through the same things as me or have it worse. I know all that from fact, but is it so wrong for me to want to just vent and complain about my life? you tell me.

I do know that life is worth enduring because with all the shit that's happening around you, there are always people who are going to be there for you no matter what you do in life. Some of my family members are always supporting me in what i do, my boyfriend is understanding and listens to everything that i have to say, and i have my friends who are always there for me. So right here and right now, all i have to do is endure life and remember that there are people in my life who trully care for me.


Jessica Secret said...

Wow. All I can say is that you're right and it will get better. Sometimes life just sucks, and it sounds like you may be having one of those times.