You wanna know how this happened? I want to know how this happened. Three years of friendship, three years of holding back how I feel. That one person has always been in the back of my mind. Ive had relationships and so has she. She hasnt been my main crush for all these years but she has always been my best friend. I know I put myself in the friend zone, fuck I'm the mother my group of friends. There has always been someone in her life that she cares about as a lover. How do you admit your feelings when you know she likes someone else. I never understood how anyone else did that. 

I tried telling her how I felt before she left but someone else beat me to the punch. Wasnt that pathetic? She returned that persons feelings and all I did was be a good friend and support her decision in whatever she chose. I sat back while others had the chance to experience the one thing i could never have. And when they screwed up i felt relieved like the douche that I am. 

I tried to avoid her for a little while. Then shit happened. She's my best friend and I like to think that I'm her best friend too. I left her when she needed me and I felt like shit. It was like a scene out of a movie, where one little mistake happens and everything just blows up in your face. 

Do you have any idea how hard it is not to bitch at the people who screw up and make her feel like shit? Do you have any idea how hard it is not to tell her how I feel? Do you have any idea how much I hate it when those people dont understand the simple things about her and how they want her to change? Fuck. Just fuck. 

The only way I would ever confess my feelings if I know that she's over all those other guys. I could never confess unless I know that if I do somehow screw this up that I might lose my best friend. I will always want this girl to be a part of my life and I hated that small time that I didnt talk to her. 

Nankurunaisa. Everything in the end will be fine. that is what I try to live by and thats all I can say right now. 

I need to back the fuck up and realize that she will only be my best friend. I dont want to lose her and if that makes me unhappy then yeah its worth it. right? I need to tell all that i just wrote to someone. Typing it here is great and all but saying it outloud to someone would make me feel alot better. 

just fuck