Feelings

you know what happened? I confessed. In the worst moment ever. It was a quick answer as to why I was trying to be distant again, it was when we weren't alone and it was when she was hurt. I'm pathetic. First it takes me three years to tell her how I feel, second I admitted my feelings in the worst possible moment and third I'm still jealous of her and my ex being so close. I hate it. I want to disappear like I did all those other times but I dont want to hurt her. Did I mention that she confessed to me too. She liked me back at one point in time she just didn't want to scare me away too. How could she not tell? I would disappear when she was with someone else. It was so hard for me to see her happy with these other guys. If she was happy I pulled back my feelings and when she needed me I would be there like a love sick puppy.
When she told me she liked me back the other night I was ecstatic and depressed at the same time. She said liked me. Liked. Past tense. I couldn't fall asleep after that. Just laying there with her right next to me. A dumb fucking idiot who could have done something but didn't. An idiot who could have been happy and wouldn't spend half the night worrying about the what if's and being jealous of everything.
She probably doesn't remember anything I said that night or maybe she was lying about what she said that night just to make me feel better. A lie to spare me the pain of getting hurt. those are the best kind of lies right? What do I want out of any of this? Do i want to try and be happy with her  or should I try and keep the things the way they are now?
I want to ask her what she remembers. What she wants. But im too much of a chicken shit to ask her. I cant and wont unless she starts the conversation. She should be the one who chooses me and I should be the one who should be chosen. Or at least that's what I want. I want to give her that power to create her own happiness and if its not with me then I guess it wasnt meant to be. "Nankurunaisa" means everything in the end will be alright. Im waiting for an end of all these unanswered questions and the start of something new. Is that too much to ask for?
I have to pull back somehow and let her choose, without disappearing from her life. She said she hated whenever I did that too her. If she wasnt lying about it last night, I don't know if she remembers it but I promised her that I wouldn't disappear anymore. I dont intend to break that promise.
It felt amazing telling her how I felt that night and hearing her say the samethings back made me feel a hell of a lot better. But if she doesnt remember it then whatever. I'll suck it up and be my normal self again. I'll try and find someone who will love me back and hopefully she'll find someone for herself.
I've cried about this way too many times over the three years that I've known her. I want to be happy. I dont want to hold myself back from anyone anymore. As soon as I know what she wants, I will move on. I wont hold her back and I hope she does the same for me.

I hope she would just read everything I post but that's too easy. Like I said if she brings it up I'll tell her everything and we'll see how all of this will end. "Nankurunaisa" right?