today

I think today was just THE perfect day of ups and downs. For every happy moment I had a sad moment, for every sad moment, there was a happy moment. its days like this that makes me believe in karma. The best way for me to wake up is the cold and the rain combined, in Hawaii its like snow to us. Cold weather and rain is just an awesome combination. Its just too bad I couldnt cuddle in bed and sleep the day away but I had to get to school and do some serious studying in math or I would fail my final. The fun part of that  though, is that after 2 hours of studying the power goes out in school. My classmates and I decicde to go carboard slidding on the wet grass and just have fun. It took about an hour for the power to go back on, and I passed my quiz that will help me for my final so Im pretty happy about that.

It seemed like everywhere I went the power would go on and off. It was quite funny. power went out at school, when I had to go home to get my uniform at work, barnes and nobles, and then at work. Im glad it was only for a couple of minutes.

There are always people complaining about there work enviornment or their coworkers, Im one of them. but today was not even close to that. today was just a super chill day, easy prep work, fun conversations, boss made us food, and a hell of a lot of laughs. Its just too hard to explain all the moments. The only down part of work is that someone stole money from our tip jar... the weird thing though is that he didnt take all the money in the jar. just like four dollars, honestly if I were him I would have stolen our whole jar...But oh well, still made $6 tip in one night, for a subway thats good.

My friends bought me my apex 37 I love them to death! it is such an awesome board, and I swear if a stupid tourist tries to run me over I will make them buy me a new board. Its too bad its raining too much. not gonna risk getting hurt. my bluetooth isnt working so I'll post a picture later of my board. Love it.

So I am laying in bed waiting to get tired. Just writing this random post and listening to any songs my ipod choses to play for me. My ipod loves me and knows what best lol. so lay in bed, put your ipod on shuffle and go with whatever song plays. with this I say goodnight

Math

HATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEAHTEHATEHATEHAHTEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATE

I know hate is a strong word...but I hate math =P nuff said

sighs

"If I ever end up in the hospital again, I dont want any visitors" my uncle said those words today. how do you respond to this? my uncle was in a serious tone. I just stared at him and walked out. My family was in the room so he wasnt alone at least. I guess I know he doesnt mean it, but still the fact that he told us to stay away, just hurt.

Do you know?

Do you know the story of the thousand paper cranes? I learned about this story in elementary school, when we were learning how to make origami.. The Japanese legend promises that anyone who folds a thousand paper cranes will be granted a wish by a crane. Most people wish for a cure for their illness or just a quick and speedy recovery. I learned more about this legend when we were learning about the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, a lot of kids would fold the cranes so that they or their family members would get better from their injuries. I didn't believe in the legend at first and just forgot all about it.

I used to go to the hospital a lot to keep my grandma company while she was getting her chemo. I was pretty bored, I didn't want to do any of my homework so I fell behind in school. books were just a turn off because they would have a happy ending, music helped but i would just stare at my grandma when she was laying in bed. I honestly needed something else to distract me. A nurse noticed how agitated I was most of the time, she just knew there were other family members like me wishing they could do something. She gave me some origami paper and told me to get busy. I did. I made everything i knew how to make. Paper planes, frogs, dogs, cats, flowers, hats, and cranes. It took me a long while to remember the legend, and once I did...I just went at it.

My sisters Megan and kalen found out what I was doing and decided to help out. I made around 600 before they realized what i was doing and they helped me finish the rest. A thousand paper cranes later, I made the wish hoping, praying, and believing that this would work. that my grandma would be cured of her cancer and would be able to see me grow up into the woman she wanted me to be. It worked. It fcking worked....for about seven months, my grandma was diagnosed with a different cancer. I don't regret those seven months. Having my grandma home every night getting better, growing her hair back. It was fcking awesome. But when she told us the news that she was diagnosed again.I disappeared for a while. I didn't want to go through that all over again, how do you endure two years of watching your loved be so sick that she cant go home, to getting all better coming home forgetting the past two years, and THEN it all comes back again. wtf.

I was a bad grand daughter at the time, I wouldn't go home so that I wouldn't see my grandma so sick. I would stay over at a friends house, wander around the neighborhood or just sit outside the house until I was needed. One night my grandma broke her leg doing something, we rushed her to the hospital and got her all fixed up. that day was another wake up point for me, and probably the turning point of my grandmas life. It went downhill from there.

A couple months later.... my grandma passed away, at home in her bed. I stayed home that night for my family and the next morning. When I had the courage to go upstairs, the first thing i saw was the cranes. Those stupid paper cranes that gave me hope. Like in Gena Showalters books...hope is demon. hope will kill you in the end, a slow painful kill.I ended up taking my car and driving around, I ended up going to a park that I always go to to forget things. I burned the cranes. I just stared at them watching them burn, wishing things were different as usual. I haven't made a crane since then, don't think I have the heart to make one.

My friend told me she was making cranes, and I just remembered everything. My cousins know I made the cranes, and I'm wondering if they'll do the same thing. I'm not going to tell them to not do it. I had 7 months of my grandma being healthy. I'll never regret that time. Maybe my uncle will get better. maybe not. hope will dissapoint sooner or later, Im just glad I had seven months. I hope my uncle gets better, my cousins need him . なんくるないさ I guess.

Songs

Bullet for my Valentine: Heart burst into Fire

I'm coming home
I've been gone for far too long

Do you remember me at all?
I'm leaving

Have I fucked things up again?

I'm dreaming

Too much time we'd have to spend

It hurts, wounds so sore

Now I'm torn, now I'm torn

I've been far away

When I see your face

My hearts burst into fire

Hearts burst into fire

You're not alone

I know I'm far from home

Do you remember me at all?

I'm leaving

Do you wait for me again?

I'm screaming

No more days we'd have to spend

It hurts, wounds so sore

Now I'm torn, now I'm torn

I've been far away

When I see your face

My hearts burst into fire

Hearts burst into fire

My beds become so lonely

No arms or sheets to hold me

Has this world stopped turning?

I'll wait forever to be apart, forever to be apart

It hurts, wounds so sore

Now I'm torn, now I'm torn

I've been far away

When I see you face

My hearts burst into fire

Hearts burst into fire

I'm coming home

I've been gone for far too long

Do you remember me at all?

Do you remember me at all?

I'm leaving

I'm screaming

I'm dreaming

My hearts burst into fire

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PT8gcZh_42w the best cover Ive heard of Just a Dream

Sitting here

Guess its time for another random post.

Im sitting in the hospital keeping my uncle company since I have no school or work on Fridays. Im in a different hospital than the one my grandma used to go to, so it feels weird being here. I got lost earlier trying to buy some food, took me a while to get back but I got here. I probably shouldnt be eating ice cream in front of my uncle since hes not allowed to...but I need some comfort food. Mutliple myleyoma is what my uncle has. its the reason why he was having some kidney issues and some back pain. its all symptoms. he basically has cancer. it can be treated since it was found right away and my uncle has had good health before this. I should be happy about this right? my uncle has a chance of getting better, so why am I not happy?

Im wondering whats gonna change. Im wondering if Im going to blow off my friends again to come stay in the hospital. Im wondering can i talk to them about this? Im wondering if I can be stronger for my uncle than how I was with my grandma. Im wondering where to start.

I miss the old hospital, it was familiar there. Here. I dont know where anything is, I dont know the nurses, I dont know a place where i could go outside and still be close to my uncle. The food here sucks too.

Blah

One of my friends favorite word is blah. and right now its the one word that just pops into my head. there are just too many things in life right now making me grow up. making me remember. making me wish things were different. making me wish I had no regrets. But no one can change the past. we can forgive and forget and just move on in life. But there is nothing we can do to change things that have already happened. I know I cant change anything, and like the spoiled brat I am, I complain like theres no tomorrow. I just sit their and nag my life away. I need to fcking step up more. I need grow up and realize. Life is trying to push me down and keep me down.

The same friend showed me this link:  http://megansfairy-tale.blogspot.com/
and it made me cry, remember, and realize what I have.

BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH

なんくるないさ

I plan on getting the title of this post around my ankle. It basically means whatever happens, happens or everything will be alright. My friends think that matches me perfectly, but right now I dont see it that way. My grandma went trhough four years of cancer, and she passed away this January. If your a follower you know I miss her, and Im still not over it. If my teachers in school decide to use cancer as an example for something I somehow tune everything out wirhout even knowing it. My classmate even decided to make a cancer joke and I just told him to shut the fck up and walked out of class...today should be fun seeing him again...  I cant even be in a hospital and go crazy trying not to remember. Last night I found out my uncle has cancer now too. We dont know how serious it is, but still hearing that another loved one in my family has cancer, just fcking sucks. How can I say everything will be alright. How can I say whatever happens, happens. You know what else fcking sucks, some hospitals wont let kids under the age of 12 to go in the patient rooms, my uncles daughter my cousin is only 11 years old. She couldnt go in to see her father, she couldnt be there for him, she didnt understand what was going on. I want to say that everything will be alright. I really do. But Im not strong enough to say those words, because Im still not alright.