Saturday, September 29, 2012

FUCK! i've written three different sentences before this one and I can't find out how to start this.

I vented to a lot of people about all of this and I get that you would get mad at that. I should have talked to you instead of talking to everyone else. I should have kept it between us. But I couldn't. you were the last person I had wanted to talk to. I was so hurt by all of this. So I vented to the people I trust the most. I vented everything. I told them what I held special in our friendship, I told them what I wanted to ask you, I told them the moment where I knew our friendship would start and I told them the first time I knew I was starting to fall in love with you. I told them everything and I understand how that would hurt you, but honestly? Where have you been? I understand that you have work and I have school, but there is time for us to talk and we just don't. 
We're letting each other walk out of each others lives with a billion things left unsaid. We're letting three years of friendship disappear. We're suppressing memories that people wish they could have. I'm not fighting for this friendship and neither are you. 
Are you not around because you still care for me too much? Do you hate me? Am I not allowed to see you because Andrew knows I have feelings for you? I fucked up didn't I?
This is a fucking two way street and you know what? I'm done trying to fix this. I know I'm putting in effort and you aren't.
We were both shitty friends in certain aspects of our life. But I still call you my best friend. You treated me like another option instead of your best friend and that's what hurts me the most. It hurts that I know you couldn't talk to me, it hurts that you couldn't tell I was hurting, it hurts when I think of all the times you should have told me, it hurts knowing that things will probably never be the same.
You don't care if I disappear... Your actions proved me right on that one. So why should I care if you disappear? 
In my opinion you're purposely pushing me away. Making me try to move on. I don't understand why though... 
I want to fight for this friendship. But I need to know that I mean something to you...

Guess we'll never know huh?

Friday, September 28, 2012

I woke up from my nap. crying. I looked at the bed next to mine and wondered if things would ever be the same. Everything I do lately reminds me of her.
I cant drive in the car without thinking "when is the next time we're going to drive around the island?" I miss those nights when she drove me around, I drove her around and we just had each others company. It was one of those things I loved about our friendship. But you know what changed that? She invited Andrew to come with us one night. I fucking hated every moment of it. Driving around the island was our thing, or at least to me it was... I know they've gone around the island together and it just hurts knowing that. What I once held special to my heart is being ripped away.
I saw this random couple being cute together today at school and then the guy hugged his girl from behind. I wanted to cry. I miss doing that with Sasha. I used to hold her from behind at any moment and now? I'm trying to hold myself from falling apart.
Just every little thing is getting to me.
The songs I have, the places I go to, the food I eat and the memories I have. It all hurts.
I want another rejection. I want her to tell me to get the fuck out of her life and I will... the thing though... If she tells me to stay... I will.
Not because I'm wrapped around her finger like some people have been saying, but because I valued the little things that made up our friendship. I miss her as my friend. I miss her.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

"Is she really your best friend or the girl that you've loved for the past three years?"
I honestly couldn't answer this question. I couldnt answer the question why I loved her as a person and why she was my best friend.
When I got home all I could think about the memories that we shared together and honestly? It's more of the person I've loved for the past three years rather than my best friend.
what moment made her my best friend? It was the day my grandma had passed away. She was there to comfort me even though we had just met a couple months before. Just that one moment has made me stay her friend over all these years.
I've been through so much drama because of her and I have even lost some friends. At the time she was worth it, it was just a no brainer for me. This girl was my best friend and I was in love with her.
I loved the way she would hold me from behind, and I loved doing the same for her. I love how we act like creepers together. I loved that she understood that driving around or being driven around makes me feel better. I love the way we eat at RaiRai's. I love how cute she can be, her weirdness and her sense of humor.
I guess most of what I just listed were things as a lover and not a best friend. I have never not liked this girl. She has always been in the back of my mind in all of my relationships over the years. Heck I fucked up a relationship because I still had feelings for her.
Ive never gotten to know her as a friend I guess?
I have the hardest time telling her how I sometimes. I want to ask her "What do I mean to you" that's all I want to know.
I do still lover her but I will move on and forget about her. What she did to me as a lover I will never forgive her for.
As a best friend? as the girl who was there for me when the most important person in my life passed away? I should drop her out of my life.
Its just fucking hard. Having her there every day of my life to not being around at all? its like a piece of myself is going to be missing.
My family calls her my other half and its true. We've always been together and now we're not. Soon they're going to ask what happened and I will say shes not my best friend anymore.
She's not the girl I should love and she lost me as her best friend...
I've come to that conclusion but will I keep it? probably not.
I know in the back of my mind that when she does fall I will be there to pick her up.
The past me will show up, pick her up and leave.

Monday, September 24, 2012

I honestly do miss her, but more than anything I miss my old group of friends. I miss how close we all used to be. I miss seeing all of them everyday and us not doing anything.
I miss them playing magic while I did homework. They made me feel safe and not alone. They arent the best of friends but they were there.
I know that she is partially the reason why we all dont hang out together anymore. I know everything that shes done, I've been through everything shes done and I should have walked away a long time ago.
She doesnt care if I disappear. She doesn't care that I'm hurting so much. She doesn't trust me.
I care if I disappear. I dont want to hurt this much. I dont trust her anymore?
I still love her.
what annoys me the most. Is that I fucking trust her with everything, but I dont tell her how I felt because I know shes going through worse shit than I am. I would always be there for her but I never wanted her to be there for me because I felt that she couldnt handle it. I want her to get better and not have to worry about me. I always tried to put her first.
When I was with Kelsie I couldnt stop thinking about Sasha. It wasnt fair to Kelsie. So i broke my relationship with Sasha and you know what? she didnt care. She didnt try to ask what was wrong. She just let things disappear. This whole thing was always a one way thing wasnt it? I called her one of my best friends, but did she ever do the same for me? Probably not.
I know in my heart what she means to me. I want her to be my friend, I want her to be a legit best friend and I want people to KNOW that we are each others best friend.
I want her to fight for me. I want her to realize what shes missing. I want her to reach rock bottom and realize that I will be there to fucking pick her back up. I wont kick her when shes down. I wont judge. I'll do what I usually do.
I'll be there.
She knows everything about me. If she needs me she knows where to find me.
I wont do the fighting anymore. I am a person who knows what shes worth. If she cant see it then fuck it.

Friday, September 14, 2012

I cared about her, as a person I could love, as a person and as my best friend, but now? I really don't give a fuck. As a best friend she shouldn't have led me on like she did for a whole month, there was no reason for them to hold back anything from me. If they had both just told me i wouldnt be hurting this much, I wouldn't have spent an entire month asking for advice to see if it was worth it to tell her how I feel. If they had just told me I wouldnt be crying so much, I would hurt less, I would have more hours of sleep and honestly I would have two more friends on my list of friends. \
We were suppose to have a talk today just us for three hours. We didnt do that. I needed the talk. I needed to ask her again as to why she did that to me. What am i to her? Why do you put yourself in these situations? Are you trying to push me away? Are you really engaged to him already? Do you still trust me? Did you ever trust me?
I called her my best friend but maybe the whole thing was one sided. She never trusted to tell me anything about her life. If that one time she did it was to just scare me away. I'm so mad at her right now. And I know that after all shes done to me I should drop her from my life. Save me the pain, the drama and the time, but I cant. I used to call her my best friend for a reason. I still remember those reasons. But they sound more like a reason as to why I liked her.
When she rejected me she didnt reject me as her best friend. She rejected me as another option.
I'm tired of all of this.
just tired.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

take her surfing

go to the zoo
take her to the secret beach
Ice palace
Once I realized that I still loved Sasha and wanted to do something about it, I planned out dates for us. I asked friends for help, asked for the hook-up, asked to borrow cars and asked for their support. I got all of it from them, and now I have to tell them I don't need it anymore. Don't need it because I should have held my feelings in. I knew she wasn't over any of her ex's and I told her how I felt, I knew she was having a hard time with something. That something, just happened to be me. I was the person who didnt realize that she was already going out with someone. I was the idiot who doesnt want to accept it. I am the idiot who let their heart win. 
She's giving me space by staying at his house but honestly that just makes me feel worse. I want to be the one to move on and get my own space. Not her hand it to me. you know? 
To fix our friendship we're suppose to have a venting session once a week. No hold backs. But can I honestly do that? Can I tell her that I hate her for making me look like an idiot, I hate her for making me hate all of the happy memories I have with her, I hate her for making me fall out of love with her and maybe this friendship. Trust. How could she not trust me with the truth? She assumed I would hate her and forget about her. She just made an ass out of herself and yeah. I cant. 
But I made a promise I wouldnt disappear. I wont break that promise... Even if it does kill me.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

So all the past couple of posts of my personal life anywhere make me look like a fucking fool. They've been going out for a month now. She let me confess to her and said nothing about him. Nothing. I am so mad right now. Is it so hard for her to tell me how she feels? Is it so hard to reject me? I understand she used to like me too and doesnt want me as a girlfriend because she doesnt want to lose my friendship. But honestly her hiding this shit from me makes me want to break off this friendship. What kind of best friend does this shit? I talked to her and him a combined total of five times saying I liked her and that I would want to try something. They still didnt tell me they were together. I feel like a fucking idiot. I saw the signs that they liked each other but I never really thought they were going out yet. If they had just told me I would have backed off. I always back off whenever she is in a romantic relationship with anyone.
It would have been easier to move on. I wouldnt have told her how I felt. I should have kept my feelings in. I should have never had told her. All those nights I spent wondering how she feels about me. All those days asking friends for advice on what I should do. pointless. There was no way I could have saved myself.
I want to trust her. I want her to still be my best friend. I want her to be part of my life. But I finally, after three years of loving her got my rejection. Three years of falling in love with this girl and now I have to drop my feelings. I will move on. I will find someone else who will return my feelings. I will find a way to trust her again. I will find a way to be happy for her and be happy myself.
Thats all I've ever wanted for her. I guess after three years of holding back thats what I was worried about the most. Will I be able to make her happy?
She chose someone else to make her happy. It was her decision and I will respect it.
I'll hold back on the constant texts that we always used to have. I will miss holding her from behind the most. Miss loving her. I have to stop dreaming of us ever having something. I have to stop loving her.